Urban Outfitters Robbery Spree Day!
When you get up to the register to pay for a book called Faces People Make While Farting, the cashier will notice you’re nervous.
“You have no right to be nervous when you’re so cute,” he’ll say.
You’ll be flattered when you pull the gun on him and tell him to empty the register.
“A girl as cute as you shouldn’t need to commit crimes,” he’ll say.
You’ll blush as you whisper for him to empty the cash faster.
“If I knew armed robbers might look like you I’d have started working as a cashier a long time ago,” he’ll say.
Smile at him. He’ll smile back.
“You just live your life robbing Urbans then?” he’ll ask.
“And a few Madewells,” tell him.
He’ll hand you the bag of money. Your hands will touch.
“Can you run in those skinny jeans?” ask him.
Wrap your pinky around his thumb and command, “Let’s go then.”
He’ll hop the counter knocking over a display of iPhone cases that look like old tape cassettes and the two of you will run outside to your car and speed off on a cross-country spree of youth-marketed clothing chain robbery.
You’ll become folk heroes when during a robbery of an Urban Outfitters in Atlanta you win the favor of customers still in the store by giving them free armfuls of leggings and hoodies and copies of “Wreck This Journal.” That’s when the Feds will take an interest, when it looks like you’re getting the Robin Hood label, when you start handing out for free the youth that’s supposed to be sold to them.
The excitement for your outlaw adventure will build when security tapes hit the news, the two of you always making a point of kissing once, kissing sloppy, just before taking off with the money from every single store. Customers begin showing up at Urbans and Madewells just to kiss while snapping phone pics of themselves that they can post on Facebook.
Copycat robberies start popping up at J Crews and Forever 21s and even a few Gaps. Parents demand the police double their efforts to capture you. Magazines display you on their covers under headlines blaming the economy and pornography for your crime spree. In the midwest citizen militias voluntarily guard clothing stores intent on proving to their young ‘it can’t happen here.’
“How’s it end?” he asks you in a Super 8 bed in Sacramento, his arms wrapped around your naked body.
“We have to be gunned down,” you tell him. His kiss tells you he’s on the same page.
You’ll be shot to death outside an Urban Outfitters in San Antonio, TX. More than 600 rounds will be fired by more than three dozen police officers and you’ll each be hit more than fifteen times. Your fame will skyrocket and you’ll be idolized by kids for years to come, and Urban Outfitters will make millions selling tee shirts with your gun-toting silhouettes silk-screened across the chest.
Happy Urban Outfitters Robbery Spree Day!