August 2012
8 posts
Your New Boyfriend Has A Laser Target On His Chest...
He didn’t mention it in his profile. You’re glad he didn’t. It might have deterred you from meeting him, and though it’s early, you’re starting to think meeting him is the best thing that’s ever happened to you.
“You don’t know who it is?” you asked on your second date, when you finally started discussing the elephant in the room.
“Nor do I know why,” he said.
You stared at the red dot as it...
Drop The Act, Kevin Day!
It’s time to ditch the whole “Say hello to the new Kevin, world” thing and accept the you that you are. We’d all like to think that with a single epiphany or a determined vow to break old habits we can suddenly change the course of our lives and start living the contented, drug-and-disease-free, not-having-to-sleep-with-a-flare-gun-under-our-pillows existence that we always...
Secret Admirer Hunter Day!
You didn’t make it as a cop so you became a private dick. But tracking cheating husbands for rich wives was making you way too cynical for your taste. So you pared down your agency to focus solely on helping young girls and, to a lesser extent, boys, determine the authors of the secret admirer letters they receive from classmates.
“The thing you want to be sure of is, do you wanna...
Need Friendship Day!
He saw your flyer at the coffee shop with the words “Need Friendship” in 24 point font at the top, and a photo of you holding a wiffle ball bat just above a trim of tear away phone numbers.
“I choose my friends very carefully,” he’s saying. His name’s Jenkins.
You insist that you’re the same way. Which is why the flyer.
“For me it’s all...
Can't Crack The Rock Day!
Your foreman wants to know what the holdup is.
“Just can’t do it Jeff,” say. “Just can’t crack the rock.”
Jeff will walk away from you to the sidewalk. You’ll shout at his back that you’re sorry but you just can’t do it. He’ll keep walking, not hearing a word. Lug your jackhammer after him.
He’ll be positioned right over the...
He's In Love With A Liar Day!
He’s got you blindfolded and won’t let you peek because it’s a big surprise. When he finally lets you peek you’ll see he bought you a rare, early edition of Villette by Charlotte Bronte because one of the lies you told was that your senior thesis at the college you claimed to have attended was on Charlotte Bronte.
“Read me some,” he says. “Read me your...
Forest Bitches Day!
You formed a club called the Forest Bitches. You and your friends run into the forest and strip to your underwear and roll around on the soil chanting bullshit, usually high. You like to think you’re bonding with nature.
“This dirt is so fucking cleansing,” Georgette says, rubbing clumps of dirt on her bra and stomach.
“I’m eating a leaf,” Shannon says,...
They Want You To Present Scenarios In Which...
“We need someone who spends all day scheming about how security teams can be evaded,” the General says. “How guarded entrances can be breached. How one might blend in with the service staff or delivery personnel to enter a private function. That’s why we called you.”
“But I just write Mentos commercials,” you tell them.
The General smiles....
