March 2012
31 posts
Hiking With Murderers Day!
You and your husband met a few guys while hiking and so you all decided to hike together. The guys are murderers who’ve killed several people in this park just today. The police are probably after them but you don’t know that. All you know is they are murderers who are really good at spotting snakes and identifying flowers.
“It’s so beautiful,” you’ll say while...
February 2012
29 posts
Captain SpraySpray Day!
You’re a graffiti artist who has kept his identity a secret for years, except now you have a nemesis who wants to expose you. Today he kidnapped Maura, the girl you love but who doesn’t like you because she thinks you’re a house-painter and that you could never be a super-talented graffiti artist. He says unless you come forward and identify yourself as the super-talented...
Pool Party Day!
You weren’t invited to the big office pool party, so you climbed a tree to watch all your coworkers splash around in their bathing suits, enjoying their time without you. From your vantage point, you’ll see your coworkers swim, tan, drink fruity drinks, and sneak off to make out under the shade of the very tree in which you’re hiding, and the whole scene will make you feel...
You're A Kid Doctor Day!
You lost a patient today.
“I’m only twelve and a heart stopped beating while it was in my hands.”
Your hospital chief surgeon will tell you that you’ll get used to it.
“Excuse me,” you’ll say. You’ll step into an operating room and grab a scalpel to slit your own throat. The chief surgeon will stop you just in time.
“Why are you doing...
The Popcorn Factory Deaths Day!
Today you’re supposed to show up at the popcorn factory to commemorate the deaths that took place there two years ago which were your fault. You were making love with a delivery man while you were supposed to be watching the heating facility and the fires spread. You felt bad but the whole thing was shown to be an accident so you weren’t prosecuted.
You’re going to show up late...
Murdertown Day!
A greedy developer wants to buy out Murdertown and build a golf course. You guys need to raise some money.
“Car wash,” you’ll suggest, and everyone will start gathering buckets and sponges.
Cars will come from miles and miles, and before you know it, there will be a line stretching down main street of people waiting to get their cars washed. Unfortunately you and your townsfolk...
Can't Dance Can't Be My Boy Day!
You just snapped your leg at the knee. Shannon told you she could never go out with a boy who couldn’t dance, so you took classes. At first it was a hard road, then you broke through and started showing them something. Before long you were getting cast for touring companies, then summer stock, then out-of-towners, then Broadway, until finally you were the guarantee that a show would open and...
Round Noon Day!
You come in around noon every single day. “I’d like you to sit at the booth over there,” he’ll tell you. “See I handle the counter orders and my wife waits on the booths.” Tell him you like the counter. “My wife waits on the booths,” he’ll say. “It’s better that you sit over there.” You look at his wife, who is scowling at...
You Just Go Downstairs And Ask Him Day!
You say to him look I’ve noticed these 22 years that you’ve been down here living alone just I’ve been living alone in the apartment one flight up. I had my reasons for living that way as I’m sure you have, though I can’t remember what mine were, haven’t been able to remember for about the last ten. Anyway, tell him, I hear the records you play down here and I...
Apartment Tour Day!
The broker told you to go to the apartment. He’d already given the key to somebody to take a look, but if you get there in time she’ll let you in. “No.” “Good God.” Your ex-wife will be standing in the middle of the empty living room holding the key on its rubber band. “You’re back?” She’ll say, “I never left. I just…got into...
You Should Tell Him How You Feel Day!
No matter what you think is the right or proper thing to do, no matter who you’re presently engaged to or whether you think there’s better waiting for you, no matter if you think he’s entirely wrong for you and it’s not fair that your heart should make you feel so much for someone that shouldn’t even register on your radar, you should tell him how you feel.
“I...
The Ice Couple Day!
They finally unfroze you and you came to before she did.
“You’ve inspired so many with your love,” the scientist says. “Do you remember what your last words to each other were? Were they ‘I love you?’”
Say, “What’s going on? Where am I? What year is it?”
They’ll tell you the year, the location of the lab, the fact that you were...
Winning Home Run Day!
Today’s the day you hit the winning home run.
“Dad, Dad did you see me hit the winning home run?” you’ll shout to the stands.
“He’s gone,” the other parents will say. “He’s gone and there’s no point in finding him.”
Hold your bat threatening them.
“You tell me where he is. Whatever he told you, it’s not true.”
...
Dance Marathon Day!
It’s hour 20 in your dance marathon and it’s between you two and this other couple. You’re pretty sure you’re going to win because you smoked meth earlier, so that should keep you awake long enough to win the marathon. Whoops, you just fell down and died so you lost. This was for charity. Happy Dance Marathon Day!
There Are Only Ten Ways To Fall In Love Day!
Today there are only ten ways to fall in love. They are as follows: Number 10. You’re a doctor, he’s a nurse. After a long night in the ER, he drives you home while listening to the police scanner on his dashboard. When the dispatcher announces the address of a house fire you both look at each other and smile a smile that says, “Holy shit I finally found someone gets as turned on...
So You Live In That Mini-Van That's Always Parked...
She’s a rich girl and you just heard her scream inside her rich girl’s house. You run in her house and you pull a guy away from her, a guy in a rubber mask with a crowbar. Just a robber who didn’t think he’d be bumping into anybody and so he grabbed onto her while he tried to figure out what to do. You send him running. “So you live in that mini-van that’s...
Amnesiac Wife Day!
She hit her head and now she can’t remember that she loves you so the doctor is telling you it’s up to you to make her fall in love with you again. “No way,” tell him. He’ll say he understands. He guesses that if he were in the same situation, he couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t take the opportunity to start fresh and marry someone new. “It’s...
The Alien Magician Died Day!
You were abducted by an alien craft several years ago and it’s been unbelievably boring except for the Friday night magic show put on by an extremely talented alien. It was astounding. Instead of the usual sawing a lady in half stuff you would see back on Earth, he would turn people inside-out or make hats come out of rabbits. His best trick was to make everything turn into dogs. You...
Dead Hanna Dream Day!
Dead Hanna is going to haunt your dreams tonight. “Yeah there’s treasure. It’s buried under the Maple Tree of my house. Yours.” Ask her why she’s giving you the information about her treasure when she was so popular and you’re just a nerd. “That one time in Chemlab when you were super-smart, I really understood that only smart guys could do right by my...
Death Bed Salesman Day!
You sell death beds because someone has to. People need to die somewhere and why not let their loved ones buy them a bed to die in that’s more comfortable than the ones in which they’ve lived for years. Your wife thinks differently.
“The only death bed in this town is the one him and I sleep in every night!” she’ll shout tonight to your customers.
“She’s...
The Boxer Marries Day!
You fought a dump fight, showed up as the piece of meat to be beaten by a contender with a shot. You got six grand to get hit stupid. Six grand to marry your lady. You’re at the altar waiting, staring out at what $5,370 can buy. You wanted to be someone she could be proud of. You wanted to be someone you could be proud of. Things change. You see the line between earning pride and getting...
The Guy Who Sells You Your Firewood Wants To Date...
He’s always seemed a little bit over-friendly, but he never had the nerve to say anything to you. So today instead of saying it out loud he decided to take a more covert approach. When you start loading your pieces of wood into the fireplace you’ll notice there’s some writing on one of them. It reads “Gay? Into me? Call me tonight.” Then his phone number. You’ll...
Your Diary Is Just Page After Page Of The Word...
You’ve tried keeping a diary but nothing that’s happened in your life is as interesting as titties. You’ve dated each page so you can go through all the big days of your life and realize that they just didn’t compare to titties. Your high school graduation: “Titties.” The day you met your biological dad and he asked you if you wanted to join his high-end...
Be The Father Of The Navy Seal Who Shot Bin Laden...
Today you’re the father of the Navy Seal who shot Bin Laden, and you resent your son because you never did anything memorable with your life. “Think you’re better than me?” say to him over dinner tonight. “Everything you have is cause of me. You got that?” “Yeah Dad,” he’ll say, playing with his peas. “Walk around like you’re hot...
Fistfight Over Leanne Day!
When you spot some random dude walking your old Corgi Leanne you run out of the bar to find out what the fuck. “I’m just helping out Sharon,” he’ll say. His name’s Mark. “She won’t be home in time.” “Yeah well you may get to fuck my ex-girlfriend, but you do not get to walk my dog.” Punch him in the face, then grab the leash and take off...
You Discovered Porn Day!
The news vans are parked on your lawn, waiting for your statement. “Where did you find the porn?” you’ll be asked by Tooty Tong from Channel 6. “Did you find it on a schoolteacher’s computer? Being projected on the wall of day care center’s basement? Did a priest pass it to you while you were in a confessional?” Tell her, “I found it on my...
So Beautiful You're Fired Day!
Today the sunset is going to get you fired. “Everyone come in here,” your boss will shout to the floor. You’ll all crowd into the conference room that faces west, looking out over the water. “Isn’t it beautiful?” your boss will say, referring to the sunset over the river. You’ll all silently take it in, until your boss says, “Pam’s fired. Pack...
Ben From That Bar Stool Over There Day!
He’ll say “I’m Ben. Ben from that bar stool over there.” He’ll point to a stool with his LL Bean jacket draped over it. “What is it, Ben?” ask him. Ben will say, “I just noticed that you’ve been here for at least four hours, and you’ve turned away every man who approached you with romantic intent. I just want to say that you’re not...
Be The Pyromaniac Everyone's Looking To All Of A...
No one in this neighborhood has ever appreciated your love and mastery of fire. Of all the thirteen-year-olds in your school district, you’ve set fire to more stuff than anybody, and you’ve done it efficiently, with maximum spectacle and minimal collateral damage. But they’ve only repaid you with juvenile court appearances, school expulsions, and parental disdain. Until today....
