January 2012
31 posts
Be An Airline Pilot Who Can't Stop Thinking He...
Today you’re an airline pilot who can’t stop thinking you should have married Laraine, the woman you dated for two years just after college. Before every flight, you check the passenger manifest to see if there’s anyone named Laraine on board. Even if the last name isn’t the same, you assume maybe she remarried, so you walk through the cabin to see if it’s her. It...
National Heartbreak Day!
You run a website called National Heartbreak. It’s basically an electronic classifieds section that announces to its subscribers when a love has died. People go on National Heartbreak to announce their breakups, their divorces, their long-standing secret crushes that were confessed and found to be unrequited. You take their listings and post them on National Heartbreak, letting the entire...
Your Husband Was A Kidnapper For The Last...
You were just really scared to go down the basement, so you were more than happy that he would volunteer to go down there whenever something needed fetching. It’s not that you were trying not to find out that there was a steady parade of kidnap victims bound and gagged down there. You just really never had any reason to go down and find them. “Everyone thinks I’m stupid,”...
Be A Temperamental Florist Who Gets That She Goes...
When someone asks if you have a good assortment for funerals, say, “Jesus what do you think? I’m a florist for God’s sake. If people stopped dying I’d be out of business.” Then stop snipping stems, take a breath, and say, “Sorry. You’re bereaved, and I should watch my tongue. I just go overboard sometimes.” Then gesture to all the flowers as if they...
How The Mechanic Lost His Left Hand Day!
A sign is posted in the waiting room of the garage that reads as follows: How the Mechanic Lost His Left Hand The mechanic lost his left hand to try and frighten a woman he loved into not walking out on him. She had threatened to walk out on him before, but normally when he’d burst into tears and promise to drink less and work more she’d go along with it. This time she’d had...
Be A More Depressed, Less Hairy You Day!
Today you got word of a new prescription drug that makes you more depressed but less hairy. You decided getting rid of all your dark brown arm-fuzz was worth the yawning chasm of misery you’d be throwing yourself into, so you ran out to your doc and demanded the pill immediately. After three months on the pills, all your body hair will almost magically disappear, turning you into a smooth,...
Part It Down The Middle Day!
Part your hair down the middle today for the very first time in your life and you’ll walk outside to find a Mercedes in your driveway instead of a Hyundai. Drive it to work where you’ll find you’re the President of the company instead of a middle-management toadie. Check your bank account and instead of a negative balance there will be a very positive one, like seven figures...
She Found Out You're One Of Those Guys Who Throws...
You came home and half the closet was empty, nothing but bare hangers swinging on the rod. Her drawers had been ransacked. Her suitcases were gone. She clearly either took off in a hurry or someone made it look like she did. Part of you wants to call the police to report an abduction, but you’re worried that she simply found out that you’ve been cheating on her. Read the note she left...
Kill The Boy Day!
Don’t just break up with the boy, end his life. Stick a knife in his voicebox and be sure he’ll never use it to call you in the middle of the night and trick you into sneaking away with him for another long weekend of forgetting all about the life you’re trying to make for yourself. You’re a professional lady, career-minded and a smart-dresser, and you don’t need a...
Dad's Affair Day!
Leave your dad alone today. He’s sad because the woman he used to cheat on your mom with died. She was diagnosed two years ago. She called him last Spring and asked him if she could see him once more before she dies, but your dad refused. Even your mom said it’d be cool if he went and saw her. After all, they had a nine-year affair. Your dad was a big part of this woman’s life...
Stop Her Day!
She’s about to choose something besides spending the rest of her life with you because she wants to be practical so race to the airport or death cult orientation or whatever and tell her she’s making a mistake. She’ll decide you’re right and she should be with you because you made her laugh once. Within two weeks of the two of you being a couple start acting really cold...
Psychosexual Thriller Day!
Meet someone who may or may not be a killer but you don’t care because sex. When more bodies start popping up, get worried but also confused because is the sex getting better? Start to wonder if you’re the next body that’s going to be killed, or maybe you’ve been the one killing the bodies all along, though it really doesn’t matter either way because wow this sex is...
Ski Weekend Day!
You’re really excited to have been invited to go on a ski weekend with your friends Jeff, Sally, Maurice and Paula because you’re pretty sure that ski weekends involve everyone gathered around in a cabin exposing their deep emotional core to each other just like in the Alan Alda movie The Four Seasons. “Awwwww God sometimes I wonder if I ever felt a single thing,”...
Crossing Guard Who Can Tell When You're Going To...
The reason the crossing guard cries every time you cross the street is because you’re going to die before you turn 26 and she knows it. She gets visions of when and how people are going to die when they step into her cross-walk. Something about surrendering your safety into her hands gives her a window into your future to the moment when not even she can protect you. She knows you’re...
Looks Like They Found Your Papier-Mâché Sculptures...
When you pull onto your block you’ll see two police cars waiting outside your house. Your front door will be open and Kevin, your next-door neighbor, will be standing on your lawn, pointing at your house, irate. Looks like they found your papier-mâché sculptures of the family next door. Drive slow and savor these final few seconds of peace before you have to get out of your car and begin...
Mary Jane Day!
You and your friends like to smoke Mary Jane. At first it was just to be cool, then you started to get addicted. One thing led to another, and now you’re running a human trafficking ring solely to get your next fix. “I used to dream of growing up to become a great man. Instead I became a guy who forces innocent women into prostitution.” Take another hit of Mary Jane, then try to...
Travel Across The Country With Someone You Would...
Whether it’s because the airport got snowed in or you got robbed and don’t have any ID or credit cards or just because you have trauma induced amnesia after being in one of those New York City elevators when it ate somebody, today you’re going to travel across the country with someone you would never in a million years travel across the country with. Here are your options: The...
Plants And Rags Day!
Everything’s in boxes on a truck but you want to leave some evidence behind. She bought the ficus tree, the one you let die after she left. It looks like a stripped bicycle chained to a sidewalk signpost for five seasons, all spokes, rust brown and weaker than wind, filling the corner of the apartment with ruin.
Leave it for the new tenants to find so they can register a complaint with the...
Kevin And Lucy Day!
Today everyone named Kevin was meant to be with someone named Lucy, but the Kevins all chose to marry someone named Sabrina instead, just because the Sabrinas had fun underpants. Everyone named Lucy sometimes think about everyone named Kevin, and they want to kill all the Sabrinas. Everyone named Lucy will take a glance down at their own underpants, and they’ll see it fraying at the...
That Was Your Last Relationship Day!
You’re only 36 but the 14-month romantic relationship you ended yesterday is going to be the last one you’ll ever be party to. While you are feeling optimistic about playing the field and finding “the one,” you shouldn’t. You’ll date many people and you’ll often be the one who decides it’s not right. Either owing to your confidence in yourself or...
Storage Wars Day!
You went on that show Storage Wars and you bid on the stuff in one of the lockers and won. You brought home all the porcelain knick knacks, bed linens, jewelry, and old Life magazines that could fit into an 8X10 foot space. “Which is why I’m going to kill your wife and daughters if I don’t get it back in 6 hours,” the man who was behind on his rent on that storage locker...
Wash Your Slut Body Day!
All that casual sex to make you feel better about yourself starts to leave a residue, so you need to wash your slut body at least once a week. Today’s the day to recline in a hot tub and apply bath lotion to every patch of your skin that’s come in contact with another human being’s mouth, genitals or cash. Girls, make sure to get under the knees and the back of the neck. Boys,...
Ask Her New Husband Day!
Short on cash? Got an ex-wife with a new husband? Meet with him and ask him for some money. Don’t just launch into it though. When you sit down, start off by asking if your ex-wife is well and if he’s taking care of her. He’ll say of course he is because he’s not you in that he cares about others. Tell him you have a business prospect that could really turn into something...
Assface Day!
He tells you not to call him Assface because that’s what his wife calls him. “It’s kind of an inside joke,” he says. “Like she doesn’t really think I’m an assface. She just called me that once while we were doing it. ‘Keep it comin’ Assface!’ Like that’s the last thing your wife would ever say to you while you’re making love. It was...
Your Roommates Found Out About Your Secret...
“How long has this been going on?” Eric will ask when you wake up in your tee shirt and boxers and you enter the part of the living room not occupied by Hillary’s futon. Eric and Paul will be seated on the couch, behind the coffee table where a display of surveillance photos will be laid out, showing you in a different living room, in a different tee shirt and boxers, chatting...
You Fax Dicks Day!
“Am I afraid of offices moving everything to email and digitized documents?” you say into the Burger King bathroom mirror while pretending to be interviewed by Craig Ferguson. “Of course I am. But you can’t fight progress.” You faxed your first dick back in 1993, to the office of a collection agency based in Cincinnati. That first one was done in anger, after they...
Be The Gun Store Knifer Day
Go into the gun store and hide in dark corners with your knife at the ready. When someone comes around the corner and within your reach, murder them silently with your knife. Then move to another part of the store and wait to knife other customers. Don’t stop until you’ve knifed about 30 gun store customers. No one will be able to believe someone would be able to kill so many people...
Neighbor Lady With A Baby Day!
Your new next-door neighbor lady has a baby. “You fuck someone for that?” ask her. She’ll look at the baby and say, “Yup.” You can tell she’s remembering the night she made the baby and thinking about the damp, flawed but seemingly endless expanse of beautiful skin on the man she fucked to get the baby so you give her a minute. You pretend to look at your...
Multiracial Cycling Club Day!
You really don’t need to name your bicycling club The Multiracial Cycling Club. Everyone assumes that a bicycling club would allow people of different races to join, but you act like that’s the main feature of your club. Even though you may be proud of how many different cultures and ethnicities are represented by your membership, the name seems weird and it makes people uncomfortable....
Confess Your Drunk Driving Hit And Run To Your...
The only way to get this off your conscience is to confess. Unfortunately, if you confess to a human they’ll probably insist that you go to the police or at least cut down on your drinking. Your cats, however, aren’t quite so judgey. It’s a lot to lay on them all at once but it’s time they earned their keep. “Listen up assholes,” say to them after you’ve...
Set All The Women's Underwear On Fire And Walk...
You are a janitor at a high-end gym and about a year after getting the job you got the idea to start breaking into women’s lockers and stealing their dirty underwear. “Dirty rich lady underwear,” you’ll mutter today as the flames rise. “Dirty rich lady underwear casting a goddamn spell.” At first it was just a goof, kind of like stealing office supplies or...
