June 2011
9 posts
We Can't Let Go Of Him Day!
Everyone in your little podunk town is trying to kill you because they heard you got into one of those colleges up north where they teach you communications and how to flirt with Jewish girls by speaking heatedly about politics.
“So it’s agreed,” the senior councilman said last night at the Town Center. “We kill him before he gets on that bus tomorrow morning. We’re...
Party Store Owner Discovers The Irony Of Being A...
Today the Party Store owner is going to chuckle to himself when he realizes that even though he has an entire store full of party supplies at his disposal, having not a single friend to his name means he doesn’t have the capability of throwing a party.
“Funny,” the Party Store owner thinks. “That I, of all people, would own a party store after having spent my whole life...
Under A Red Lamp Day!
You’re sitting under a red lamp, chewing on a ten-day old cigar, telling your son what love really means, when the men come in to the restaurant to make you pay.
“Love really means being disappointed. Disappointed in your own heart for not being able to give enough of itself. Disappointed that your lover can’t make everything okay, that she can’t make you forget all about...
One Of Those Photos With The Girl Who Got Her Face...
You have trouble dating because you were in one of those photos of a girl who got her face impaled on a wrought-iron fence.
“I just can’t get over the idea that we’ve met before,” boys will say. “And I get uneasy when I look at you. Did you once hurt me?”
When it’s clear they won’t let it go you have no choice but to tell them.
“I was in one...
Present For Your New Dad Day!
Your new Dad has been in the house for just a few weeks but he’s really hinting for a present from you for Father’s Day.
“I know I’m not your real dad,” he keeps saying. “So I get that you wouldn’t wanna give me nothing for Father’s Day. But I could also see how you might have missed having a Dad around to give something to on Father’s Day so...
lipsgallagher asked: Every time I try to read the archives at blogspot, I get redirected here. Would you mind turning off the redirect past the first page?
Salads N' Food Day!
Today at lunch when you sit down at Salads N’ Food, pull a handgun out of your bag and drop it into the salad, then go back to the salad station and tell the salad maker you found a handgun in your salad. He’ll say he doesn’t know how it happened. Tell the manager that his salad maker intended the handgun for someone else in the restaurant, and he was clearly planning an...
You're Five Day!
Today you’re five and you love matches. You love the way they feel in your hand, the way they smell, and especially, the way they start big, luscious, proudly raging fires that swallow anything and everything that might have the misfortune of residing in their path. When you use your matches to set fire to and destroy a small restaurant, leveling the dreams of a man who spent most of his...
Couples Jump Day!
Couples fresh in new love jump to their deaths hand-in-hand today and does the evening news bother to say a word about it? The TV doesn’t concern itself with those Americans so consumed with each other they sprint crazily from rooftops to the ground below. They only report on the resulting gridlock as Dads drive home from work rubbernecking, remembering those seven months twenty years prior...
