April 2011
7 posts
Loveway Day!
Lower the top of his newspaper so you can look into his eyes and say this subway just stopped being a subway because now it’s a loveway, then lean in and kiss. He’ll lift his napkin to his lips and cough into it because a lot of his lung was removed back in 2004. He’ll say he’s seen you ride this train every morning for the past forty-five years, sometimes with your mop,...
1 tag
Your Kidnappers Can't Kidnap Your Inner You Day!
Your new self-help book, titled “Your Kidnappers Can’t Kidnap Your Inner You,” is selling like crazy, which is a pleasant surprise because you figured that the target audience for a book about how to achieve personal growth while being held captive for ransom would be unable to go shopping because they are all tied to water heaters in basements. You can thank the ebook craze and...
Write Your Name And Address On The Inside Of Your...
You really like the new waitress at Patty’s On Main, but you aren’t sure how to tell her how you feel because even if she does share your feelings, you don’t know if waitresses are allowed to tell customers that they care for them while their server number is still active in the kitchen’s computer. The best way to handle this is to go into the bathroom and take off your...
He Went Over A Cliff With That Whore Day!
After two days the Sheriff finally located your husband’s car. He didn’t make the turn around blind man’s pass and he went into the gully nose first.
“We’re sending a team down to pry his body out of the wreck,” the Sheriff will say. “I should warn you though. Some people in town saw your husband earlier in the day. They say he was with—”
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Come Up To The Lair Sometime Day!
You always assumed his invites were just him being polite, and you never intended to take him up on it. Whenever you’d see the evil mastermind who rid the town of the bats then held the town under financial and psychological enslavement for decades to come, long after most in the town realized that he was probably the one who brought the bats to begin with, he’d say hello and ask after...
1 tag
Major In Her Face Day!
You thought that majoring in Patty’s face would be easy but you’re failing out of college now because you forgot to study, which is sad because studying didn’t require anything more than staring at Patty’s face, taking it in, marveling at her eyes and the poke of her nose and the way her cheeks puff out when she’s angry. But you’ve been having real trouble.
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Everyone On The Plane Feels For You Buddy Day!
She showed them all your picture; they asked to see it. They wanted to see the face of the guy whose heart was going to be ripped in two just after the plane touches ground. She made her decision just after the seatbelt sign went off, then she said to her seatmate, “If I tell you something that I’m about to do, will you tell me if I’m a bad person or not?”
The people in...
