March 2011
9 posts
1 tag
He's A Nobody Day!
When your husband leaves the room to get more wet wipes, lean into your baby’s crib and whisper, “Don’t worry about him. He’s a nobody.”
Your husband will come in and say that he heard you. Explain that you just didn’t want your baby to think he was some kind of big shot just because he’s the tallest guy in the room.
“I’m not a nobody,”...
Blame The Gangs Day!
If you’re having an affair and you get home from the affair-having too late to not arouse suspicion from your husband, tell him the street gangs held you up.
“They grabbed my purse and played keepaway,” tell him. “I had to jump up and down for a half hour trying to get it back while they laughed.”
“Damn gangs,” your husband will say.
“Then they...
Your High School Boyfriend Is Dead Day!
The principal keeps calling your house, just to check up on you and let your mom know that you can take all the time you need.
Your teachers keep stopping by to drop off your homework, as well as some novels that aren’t a part of the curriculum but that they think might help you get through this.
Your little brother comes home every day with his backpack filled with notes from your...
Onboarding Day!
Take him there on the confidentiality agreements. Use that pile of unread yet signed and dated promises to keep things hush hush as a cushion while you engage in three of the seven behaviors detailed in the employee conduct manual section 3C-12: “Inappropriate Relationships and Mediation Processes Preceding Disciplinary Action.”
He’ll have some questions when you’re both...
1 tag
Get Away From The Window Sarah Day!
Get away from the window Sarah. You’re not in love you’re just unemployed and that boy down there on the sidewalk in the rain he’s never going to go back home if you keep giving him a face to moon up at.
Get away from the window Sarah. Girls are human like everybody else. Girls get those dark times, the ones that last two years and eight months, when they’re pretty sure...
1 tag
Fire Your Dance Boy Day!
The economy’s in the shitter so you can’t afford all your extra perks anymore. First and foremost is your Dance Boy. Give him the pink slip!
“Check out this new move,” your Dance Boy will say when you enter the 10,000 square foot studio you built exclusively for him. He’ll get up on his toes and spin once. It will be a really pedestrian move and he’ll kind of...
1 tag
You Just Got Caught Fuckin' Day!
Tonight is your anniversary and you and your husband are going to go to a hotel and have sex for the first time in five months. You’ve been terrified of having to have sex tonight. After so long, you worried that if the passion wasn’t there, it would confirm what you’ve been suspecting for over decade: that you married the wrong man.
You’ll be nervous while eating the room...
3 tags
Let's Pretend Mom And Dad Never Met Day!
Today you and your brother are going to pretend that your parents never met.
“That way we would never have been brothers and we would never have fallen for the same girl,” you’ll say.
“I fell for her first,” your brother will say. “12 years ago. I married her 8 years ago.”
“And then I fell for her three months ago,” you’ll say....
Digging Under The Girls Locker Room Day!
You and Felix are digging into the ground underneath the girls locker room so that you can drill a hole into the floor and look up at the girls as they undress.
“Why couldn’t we have dug under the girls locker room at school?” Felix will ask when he hits another layer of rock. “We don’t even know what kind of girls are members of this Crunch gym location.”
...
