January 2011
24 posts
Eight Dad Fistfight Day!
Today eight neighborhood dads are going to head out into the middle of the cul de sac to smash some face and finally find out which Dad is the motherfucker who can beat up the other seven dads living on your gated street. Weapons are encouraged, which didn’t used to be the way. All you kids and Moms are going to go out to root your dads on and talk shit to the other kids and moms. Your Dad...
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Everyone's Got Their Hopes Pinned On The New...
Their mom, your new bride, will introduce you and tell them about some of the other families you’ve be a part of in the past. Then she’ll invite you up from the couch to address everybody. Open with a joke.
“Who’s your daddy?” say with a smile. It’ll get a polite titter from the older kids who were alive when that was a thing, but the younger kids will look at...
New Husbands Day!
You and your friends got some new husbands yesterday. They’re pretty awesome.
Jenny got this husband named Brad. He makes money working as a doctor in a hospital and he says nice things to her like “When I look in your eyes everything feels okay again” and “Nice buttocks.”
Amber got this husband called Aaron. He doesn’t make a lot of money but he works with...
conversationparade asked: Is there anyway I could download all the archives? I'd like to keep them on my iPhone to read, but copying and pasting for three hours doesn't sound like my idea of fun.
You're So Fucking Punk Rock Day!
Today at the health insurance company where you work as a temporary administrative assistant, just after you drop your bag under your desk and take off your coat you’ll be accosted by your supervisor insisting that you print twelve copies of a massive powerpoint presentation for a meeting she forgot she had that morning. You’ll only have about five minutes before the meeting starts,...
Confront Your Mom Day!
Don’t let her treat you like this. She’s headed for the kitchen. Go chase her down.
Ask, “What was that?”
She’ll say what was what?
“That. You totally just dissed me.”
I don’t know what you’re talking about is what she’ll say.
“You dissed me. Just now.”
She’ll ask how she dissed you.
“When you walked...
Weather Reports From The Dead Day!
You are haunted by a ghost who every night enters your room through the wall and wakes you with a high-pitched, eardrum piercing scream, the kind of scream that can only come from the mouth of someone being tortured by the cruelest of hell’s minions. The ghost eventually stops screaming and looks around your room as if he’s surprised to be there. When his eyes finally land on you,...
Weather Reports From The Dead Day!
You are haunted by a ghost who every night enters your room through the wall and wakes you with a high-pitched, eardrum piercing scream, the kind of scream that can only come from the mouth of someone being tortured by the cruelest of hell’s minions. The ghost eventually stops screaming and looks around your room as if he’s surprised to be there. When his eyes finally land on you,...
Two Salesmen At The End Of Their Lives Day!
Jack Rafferty, the number one salesman of aluminum siding for eight years straight from 1965 to 1973, is going to pay a visit to you, the number two salesman of aluminum siding for those same years. You overtook him in 1974, and he turned to drugs, alcohol, guns, sex clubs, and neo-nazism.
“I took it a little hard,” Jack will tell you. “Not being number one anymore. ...
Two Salesmen At The End Of Their Lives Day!
Jack Rafferty, the number one salesman of aluminum siding for eight years straight from 1965 to 1973, is going to pay a visit to you, the number two salesman of aluminum siding for those same years. You overtook him in 1974, and he turned to drugs, alcohol, guns, sex clubs, and neo-nazism. “I took it a little hard,” Jack will tell you. “Not being number one anymore. ...
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The Thing Where You See Your Bully Getting Beat Up...
Today you’re going to have that thing where you see your bully getting beat up by his Dad. It’s the bully who is constantly shoulder-checking you into lockers and occasionally spitting on your chair in Social Studies just before you sit down, the one who you hate, who ruins school for you every single day. You have a fantasy of how awesome it will be when you’re all grown up and...
1 tag
The Thing Where You See Your Bully Getting Beat Up...
Today you’re going to have that thing where you see your bully getting beat up by his Dad. It’s the bully who is constantly shoulder-checking you into lockers and occasionally spitting on your chair in Social Studies just before you sit down, the one who you hate, who ruins school for you every single day. You have a fantasy of how awesome it will be when you’re all grown up and...
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Breakfast With Two Guys You Don't Remember Meeting...
You’re at a diner in a booth shoveling some French Toast into your hole when you look up and you realize you have no idea who the other two guys at the table are. You were laughing together just a few minutes ago, though you don’t remember at what. One of the guys has an eye that’s clouding up with blood, and you have bruised knuckles. Yesterday was your daughter’s...
Breakfast With Two Guys You Don't Remember Meeting...
You’re at a diner in a booth shoveling some French Toast into your hole when you look up and you realize you have no idea who the other two guys at the table are. You were laughing together just a few minutes ago, though you don’t remember at what. One of the guys has an eye that’s clouding up with blood, and you have bruised knuckles. Yesterday was your daughter’s...
1 tag
No One Cares If The Matchmaker Ever Falls In Love...
“We never would have met if it wasn’t for you,” they say. “I was so alone, wondering if I’d ever find anyone who liked sex to be exactly as violent and food-based as I do. But then you came along and with your meddling ways, you introduced me to some guy you met once at a book club or AA or something, and love was instant.”
“We’re going to name...
No One Cares If The Matchmaker Ever Falls In Love...
“We never would have met if it wasn’t for you,” they say. “I was so alone, wondering if I’d ever find anyone who liked sex to be exactly as violent and food-based as I do. But then you came along and with your meddling ways, you introduced me to some guy you met once at a book club or AA or something, and love was instant.” “We’re going to name him...
Alive Americans In Crisis Day!
Raise your voice and declare yourself: “I am an alive American. I have been alive for __ years now, and every day is harder than the last. But I will remain alive, breathing, interacting with people behind cash registers and people who want to use the ketchup on my table at the diner, until I get hit by a car or something. People think I am staying alive just for the attention and the...
Alive Americans In Crisis Day!
Raise your voice and declare yourself:
“I am an alive American. I have been alive for __ years now, and every day is harder than the last. But I will remain alive, breathing, interacting with people behind cash registers and people who want to use the ketchup on my table at the diner, until I get hit by a car or something.
People think I am staying alive just for the attention and the...
Divorced Superintendent Day!
He hangs out in the hallway now, asking all the tenants who pass if everything’s okay in their apartments. He’s knocked on your door three times to offer to double-check your radiators to make sure they’re distributing the optimum level of heat. “I found this shower head,” he told you on one of these impromptu visits. He held up a variable speed shower head, still...
Divorced Superintendent Day!
He hangs out in the hallway now, asking all the tenants who pass if everything’s okay in their apartments. He’s knocked on your door three times to offer to double-check your radiators to make sure they’re distributing the optimum level of heat.
“I found this shower head,” he told you on one of these impromptu visits. He held up a variable speed shower head, still...
1 tag
Competitive Cyclists Should Just Do What People...
Today you’re going to be abducted and held for ransom by a woman with Seasonal Affective Disorder. “I don’t need the money,” she’ll tell you while she pastes newsprint onto a piece of construction paper to form the ransom demand she’ll send to your wife. “I just do this because it’s what people expect. I just hate the fucking winter and I need...
1 tag
Competitive Cyclists Should Just Do What People...
Today you’re going to be abducted and held for ransom by a woman with Seasonal Affective Disorder. “I don’t need the money,” she’ll tell you while she pastes newsprint onto a piece of construction paper to form the ransom demand she’ll send to your wife. “I just do this because it’s what people expect. I just hate the fucking winter and I need...
With The High Heels Still On Day!
You’re old and dying and some people you’re related to have crowded around your bed to ask you if there’s anything you’ve never done that you still want to do. “I’ve been watching the videos,” you rasp to them. “The dirty ones. I wish I could have done like the girls in the videos and had sex with the high heels still on.” Of the people...
With The High Heels Still On Day!
You’re old and dying and some people you’re related to have crowded around your bed to ask you if there’s anything you’ve never done that you still want to do.
“I’ve been watching the videos,” you rasp to them. “The dirty ones. I wish I could have done like the girls in the videos and had sex with the high heels still on.”
Of the people...