November 2010
27 posts
1 tag
Start Collecting Your Teardrops In A Jar Day!
If you start collecting your tears in a jar then one day you’ll be able to tie someone who’s made you cry to a chair and pour the jar of tears down his or her throat so that he or she can literally choke on your tears. Make sure when you pour the jar of tears down the person’s throat that you pour it really fast to ensure that they’ll choke. If they manage to just swallow...
1 tag
Start Collecting Your Teardrops In A Jar Day!
If you start collecting your tears in a jar then one day you’ll be able to tie someone who’s made you cry to a chair and pour the jar of tears down his or her throat so that he or she can literally choke on your tears. Make sure when you pour the jar of tears down the person’s throat that you pour it really fast to ensure that they’ll choke. If they manage to just swallow...
1 tag
The Ballerina With The Terrible Father Day!
You are the ballerina with the terrible father, the father who yells and did the hitting in the house before Mom got away. He’s the father that the neighbors shake their heads about when they hear the yelling and the drinking. You find your escape in grace. “Such grace,” says one of the dozens of ballet critics watching you float like a feather on your show’s big opening...
1 tag
The Ballerina With The Terrible Father Day!
You are the ballerina with the terrible father, the father who yells and did the hitting in the house before Mom got away. He’s the father that the neighbors shake their heads about when they hear the yelling and the drinking. You find your escape in grace.
“Such grace,” says one of the dozens of ballet critics watching you float like a feather on your show’s big opening...
1 tag
The True Meaning Of Thanksgiving Day!
On the day you discovered the true meaning of Thanksgiving, you woke up at the bottom of a 20-foot pit dug into the floor of a basement. You were naked, the rocks underneath you were cold, and there was a bucket on a rope descending down toward you. The bucket was being lowered by a man in a burlap mask leaning over the top of the pit. When you asked him why he was doing this to you, he stopped...
1 tag
The True Meaning Of Thanksgiving Day!
On the day you discovered the true meaning of Thanksgiving, you woke up at the bottom of a 20-foot pit dug into the floor of a basement. You were naked, the rocks underneath you were cold, and there was a bucket on a rope descending down toward you.
The bucket was being lowered by a man in a burlap mask leaning over the top of the pit. When you asked him why he was doing this to you, he stopped...
1 tag
Vegan Stephen Day!
Today Vegan Stephen is going to pound on your door and beg you to let him in. You’ll hear a mob outside in the street. Voices. Angry voices. “I need a place to hide,” Vegan Stephen will say. “Are you that vegan?” you’ll ask. “It’s a personal dietary choice! Let me in dammit!” “It upsets me,” you’ll say. “When I found out...
1 tag
Vegan Stephen Day!
Today Vegan Stephen is going to pound on your door and beg you to let him in. You’ll hear a mob outside in the street. Voices. Angry voices.
“I need a place to hide,” Vegan Stephen will say.
“Are you that vegan?” you’ll ask.
“It’s a personal dietary choice! Let me in dammit!”
“It upsets me,” you’ll say. “When I found...
1 tag
The Boyfriend Pact Day!
You and your girlfriends have made a pact that you’re all going to have steady boyfriends by the end of your senior year. It’s going to be a fun, crazy time as you and your friends go on date after date with geek after geek, trying to decide how low you’ll go to make sure you honor your pact and score yourselves boyfriends. Janice will end up with Greg, a kid on JV...
1 tag
The Boyfriend Pact Day!
You and your girlfriends have made a pact that you’re all going to have steady boyfriends by the end of your senior year. It’s going to be a fun, crazy time as you and your friends go on date after date with geek after geek, trying to decide how low you’ll go to make sure you honor your pact and score yourselves a boyfriend. Janice will end up with Greg, a kid on JV lacrosse....
2 tags
The History Of Melanie Day!
Your Dad and Mom have sat everyone down in the living room to tell them about this girl Melanie again. “No one ever mattered so much to us,” Mom says. “Not even you kids.” “You kids owe your life to Melanie,” says Dad. “If we hadn’t both fallen for her so deeply,” Mom continues. “We wouldn’t have felt the need to be together, to be...
2 tags
The History Of Melanie Day!
Your Dad and Mom have sat everyone down in the living room to tell them about this girl Melanie again. “No one ever mattered so much to us,” Mom says. “Not even you kids.” “You kids owe your life to Melanie,” says Dad. “If we hadn’t both fallen for her so deeply,” Mom continues. “We wouldn’t have felt the need to be together, to be...
Anonymous asked: I am not exaggerating when I say this is my favorite blog in the whole world. Holy crap. Are you gonna blow away the archives now that you're on Tumblr? If so I have a lot of reading to do very soon. Thanks!
1 tag
Drug Dealing Nuns Day!
You’re the Mother Superior of a nunnery that’s about to be shut down by the city because your nunnery is behind on the rent and the city wants to build more bowling alleys. You need to come up with thousands of dollars very quick. “We have no choice,” you’ll tell the bunch of nuns you have to see like every fucking day. “We need to sell drugs.” The nuns...
1 tag
Drug Dealing Nuns Day!
You’re the Mother Superior of a nunnery that’s about to be shut down by the city because your nunnery is behind on the rent and the city wants to build more bowling alleys. You need to come up with thousands of dollars very quick. “We have no choice,” you’ll tell the bunch of nuns you have to see like every fucking day. “We need to sell drugs.” The nuns...
1 tag
Ferry Murder Day!
Today you’re going to be late for work because there’s going to be another ferry murder. The lights will go out by the interior snack bar, and when they come back on the snack bar clerk will be dead. Written in his blood will be the letters P.F. “Nobody leaves the ferry until we know who did it,” the captain will announce. “Sorry, transit authority rules.” For...
Ferry Murder Day!
Today you’re going to be late for work because there’s going to be another ferry murder. The lights will go out by the interior snack bar, and when they come back on the snack bar clerk will be dead. Written in his blood will be the letters P.F. “Nobody leaves the ferry until we know who did it,” the captain will announce. “Sorry, transit authority rules.”...
Love House Day!
You can hear Randy upstairs punching the wall behind his bed and screaming the name Marsha, the love of his life, the one who said no. You can hear Louie in the room next door scratching against the wall as he writes the name Patty in his own blood. You can hear Janine downstairs pacing the ground floor, dining room, living room, kitchen and back, as she tries to walk Darren’s name out of...
Be The Airplane Crazy Day!
When you look at the seat next to you it’ll be empty so you should go to the flight attendant and ask if she’s seen your daughter. When the flight attendant says that they checked the manifest and you came on the plane alone, without a daughter, and that a half-hour ago when you were boarding you were telling everyone how glad you are that you don’t have kids, tell her that...
Last Will/They Won't They On Earth Day!
You used to say that you wouldn’t have sex with Jeff if he was the last man on earth. Well guess what. The apocalypse just happened and Jeff is the last man on earth so it’s up to you having sex with Jeff if you want the human race to continue.
“No,” say.
Jeff will sit down on a piece of the broken Statue of Liberty and feel bad because there’s still rejection...
Rooftop Rochelle Day!
Rooftop Rochelle has set up some plastic chairs on the roof of your building. She goes up there for a few hours every evening. You can join her up there if you want and listen to her talk about the time she talked a guy down from the ledge of a building. “I still feel terrible about that,” she’ll say. “What was I thinking? He could have ended it right then and...
Switching Gears Day!
Karen had just decided she was done with Lenny, that New York is a mistake, that she wasn’t going to get back into the car with him after the check was paid. She wasn’t sure how it was going to work out, her getting away from Lenny, without a big scene, a lot of tears, Lenny pulling out all the stops to convince her to come along. Lenny had convinced her to give up on so many...
Talk This One Through Day!
When your best buddy in the whole wide world comes home from the war he’ll find you in bed with his wife, the woman you’ve loved ever since he introduced her to you as the only woman in the world for him. “Whoah!” your number one pal will say. “Some welcome home party.” “Let’s talk this through,” you’ll say. Spend the first hour...
Wine Store Full Of Fucktential Day!
You’ve toured all of the retail and food establishments in your neighborhood and you’ve decided the wine store has the highest fucktential, which is a word you made up that means potential for fuckatude, which is another made up word, though you didn’t make that one up (your Mom used to use it before she died in Desert Storm). Anyway, the wine store seems to have a lot of...
Desk Instructions Day!
You’re temping at a new desk today and the secretary you’re filling in for left some instructions to give you the lay of the land: 1. Director Harris likes to keep his door closed at all times, and he especially likes it when you knock on his door but don’t come in even though he says it’s okay to come in. Do it at least a few times per day, making sure that on one of...
The Desperate Man's Guide To The Rest Of His Life...
Today someone is going to throw a book through your window called “The Desperate Man’s Guide To The Rest of His Life.” After you clean up all the shattered glass you’re going to crack open the book and start reading. You’ll find that you really relate to the book, with chapters like “Oh God What Next What Do I Do?!!” and “Maybe I Should Just...
Magic Mirror Day!
Hang your magic mirror on the wall, turn around so the back of your head appears in it, then say three times, “Cillian Murphy and me are friends, but he’s kind of a liar.” Then poof! Cillian Murphy will call you up and tell you how glad he is to talk to you, his old buddy. You’ll tell him you’re glad to talk to him too, then he’ll say that he just found...
