September 2009
36 posts
1 tag
You Think The Birds Are All Hi-Tech Cameras That...
You are pretty sure that Mrs. Lewis, the 81-year-old lady who lives down the block, has a thing for you. You’re also pretty sure that Mrs. Lewis is a wealthy criminal mastermind with the power to build thousands of tiny cameras disguised as birds and scatter them around the trees outside your windows, solely to catch an occasional glimpse of you in the nude. Everything changed between you...
You Think The Birds Are All Hi-Tech Cameras That...
You are pretty sure that Mrs. Lewis, the 81-year-old lady who lives down the block, has a thing for you. You’re also pretty sure that Mrs. Lewis is a wealthy criminal mastermind with the power to build thousands of tiny cameras disguised as birds and scatter them around the trees outside your windows, solely to catch an occasional glimpse of you in the nude. Everything changed between...
1 tag
Airplane Dance Number Day!
You’re on a plane with 83 people who coordinated a dance number to be performed on the plane so that they can get big numbers on Youtube and then get their shit played on a loop on Fox and Friends or some shit like that. You’re the only one who doesn’t know the moves and they’re afraid you’re going to ruin everything. “You have to learn the steps,” one of...
Airplane Dance Number Day!
You’re on a plane with 83 people who coordinated a dance number to be performed on the plane so that they can get big numbers on Youtube and then get their shit played on a loop on Fox and Friends or some shit like that. You’re the only one who doesn’t know the moves and they’re afraid you’re going to ruin everything. “You have to learn the steps,” one...
1 tag
You're a Terrible Developer of Timewasting...
You’ve been trying to come up with a hit, viral timewasting website for a while now, but all of your ideas are horrible. Your latest takes the cake, “Tree or Child Killed By A Stray Bullet dot com.” It’s one of those constantly refreshing sites where people click quiz after quiz. A name appears, and visitors have to click on whether they think the name is the name of a...
You're a Terrible Developer of Timewasting...
You’ve been trying to come up with a hit, viral timewasting website for a while now, but all of your ideas are horrible. Your latest takes the cake, “Tree or Child Killed By A Stray Bullet dot com.” It’s one of those constantly refreshing sites where people click quiz after quiz. A name appears, and visitors have to click on whether they think the name is the name of...
1 tag
Pay The Kid To Sauce Your Lemonade Day!
You threw one too many punches, kissed one too many dames when they weren’t looking, threw up one too many times on the pool table right after the felt got changed, and so you finally got thrown out of Murray’s for good. Nowhere else to drink in this neighborhood. What’s your day gonna be like with no bar to belly up to? Who’s gonna pour your sauce and ask you what’s...
Pay The Kid To Sauce Your Lemonade Day!
You threw one too many punches, kissed one too many dames when they weren’t looking, threw up one too many times on the pool table right after the felt got changed, and so you finally got thrown out of Murray’s for good. Nowhere else to drink in this neighborhood. What’s your day gonna be like with no bar to belly up to? Who’s gonna pour your sauce and ask you...
1 tag
Gambling Husband Day!
You’re going to have to defend your husband against another close-minded jerk again today. Apparently he stole your teenage babysitter’s credit card and used it to gamble online. He ended up charging several thousand dollars in losses onto her card. “He’s a maniac,” your babysitter will say. Slap her in the face. “My husband is not a maniac. He’s a...
Gambling Husband Day!
You’re going to have to defend your husband against another close-minded jerk again today. Apparently he stole your teenage babysitter’s credit card and used it to gamble online. He ended up charging several thousand dollars in losses onto her card. “He’s a maniac,” your babysitter will say. Slap her in the face. “My husband is not a maniac. He’s a...
1 tag
You Owe A Doctor $87,432 Day!
You’ve never even been in to see this doctor, but he started sending you bills anyway. They totaled $87,432 and they cover routine blood tests and other preventative health screenings. “But I don’t know who you are and haven’t seen a doctor in years,” you tell the doctor when you call. “Must have been a billing screwup,” the doctor says. “So do I...
You Owe A Doctor $87,432 Day!
You’ve never even been in to see this doctor, but he started sending you bills anyway. They totaled $87,432 and they cover routine blood tests and other preventative health screenings. “But I don’t know who you are and haven’t seen a doctor in years,” you tell the doctor when you call. “Must have been a billing screwup,” the doctor says. “So do I...
1 tag
Goodbye The Gardener Day!
The gardener doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. “But I bought all these new contraptions,” you’ll say. “I met someone else,” he’ll say. “She’s married and dissatisfied as well. She lives in the mansion three houses down. She really gets me.” “Is this because of that one time when I told you that if you didn’t sleep...
Goodbye The Gardener Day!
The gardener doesn’t want to have sex with you anymore. “But I bought all these new contraptions,” you’ll say. “I met someone else,” he’ll say. “She’s married and dissatisfied as well. She lives in the mansion three houses down. She really gets me.” “Is this because of that one time when I told you that if you didn’t sleep...
1 tag
Long Drive Just To Find Out If A Friend Is Alive...
You’re stuck in traffic on some such highway headed north to Dean’s house on the ugliest hill in Vermont. Dean was in that group of your friends who dropped out of your life when they turned 35. Dean was at least good enough to go and hole up in the middle of nowhere. The others just went about their lives, not changing a thing except for eliminating you from their immediate social...
Long Drive Just To Find Out If A Friend Is Alive...
You’re stuck in traffic on some such highway headed north to Dean’s house on the ugliest hill in Vermont. Dean was in that group of your friends who dropped out of your life when they turned 35. Dean was at least good enough to go and hole up in the middle of nowhere. The others just went about their lives, not changing a thing except for eliminating you from their immediate...
1 tag
Last Call Day!
You and that guy are the last ones in the bar. “Guess you’re it,” you say. “Anything you need to know in advance?” he asks. You shake your head mournfully. He helps you off your stool and leads you to the door. “What if we end up together?” he says, while hailing a cab. “What if we get married and spend the rest of our lives together. All because we forgot to leave the bar earlier tonight.” “I...
Last Call Day!
You and that guy are the last ones in the bar. “Guess you’re it,” you say. “Anything you need to know in advance?” he asks. You shake your head mournfully. He helps you off your stool and leads you to the door. “What if we end up together?” he says, while hailing a cab. “What if we get married and spend the rest of our lives together. All because we forgot to leave the bar earlier tonight.”...
1 tag
Your Daughter Might Be Dating a Relocated Witness...
Your daughter is dating a boring guy named Ben Jamison who says that he is in “accounts.” But your daughter says that the only reason he seems so boring is because he was in the witness relocation program and people are still after him. “He told you that?” you ask your daughter. “Of course not. He’d be killed,” your daughter says. According to your daughter, there’s no way she could feel what...
Your Daughter Might Be Dating a Relocated Witness...
Your daughter is dating a boring guy named Ben Jamison who says that he is in “accounts.” But your daughter says that the only reason he seems so boring is because he was in the witness relocation program and people are still after him. “He told you that?” you ask your daughter. “Of course not. He’d be killed,” your daughter says. According to your daughter, there’s no way she could feel...
1 tag
Treasure Rehab Day!
You’ve discovered a map that indicates there is an ancient treasure hidden deep underground on a hill in California. Turns out they built a rehab center on top of it, and the only way to get to that treasure is to admit yourself into rehab. While you bide your time, inspecting the grounds and waiting for the right moment to bust through the basement, you’re going to have to attend the group...
Treasure Rehab Day!
You’ve discovered a map that indicates there is an ancient treasure hidden deep underground on a hill in California. Turns out they built a rehab center on top of it, and the only way to get to that treasure is to admit yourself into rehab. While you bide your time, inspecting the grounds and waiting for the right moment to bust through the basement, you’re going to have to attend the...
1 tag
Your Son Ain't Gonna Be Born In No Women's Prison...
You and your wife are notorious thieves wanted in more states than there are stars on the flag, which is tough to do. After your most recent heist, your wife got nabbed by the cops and sent upriver. A pretty inconvenient wrinkle under any circumstances, but especially so right now, because your wife is seven months pregnant with your first child, a son. “No way is my baby boy gonna be born...
Your Son Ain't Gonna Be Born In No Women's Prison...
You and your wife are notorious thieves wanted in more states than there are stars on the flag, which is tough to do. After your most recent heist, your wife got nabbed by the cops and sent upriver. A pretty inconvenient wrinkle under any circumstances, but especially so right now, because your wife is seven months pregnant with your first child, a son. “No way is my baby boy gonna be...
1 tag
Death Race For A Boy Day!
You like a boy named Craig in your school, but so do five other girls. Rather then spend all year fighting over him, you’ve agreed to a death race. You and the five other girls are going to drive your parents’ cars through an industrial area littered with explosives and booby traps. Whoever is still alive at the end gets to date Craig (and live beyond age 17). You can rest easy knowing...
Death Race For A Boy Day!
You like a boy named Craig in your school, but so do five other girls. Rather then spend all year fighting over him, you’ve agreed to a death race. You and the five other girls are going to drive your parents’ cars through an industrial area littered with explosives and booby traps. Whoever is still alive at the end gets to date Craig (and live beyond age 17). You can rest easy...
1 tag
Leafblower Killer Day!
You want to go down in history as the Leafblower Killer and today’s your first kill. You find a neighbor in his yard and you sneak up from behind. When he turns around, you turn on your leafblower and aim it straight at his head. Unfortunately, the gust isn’t strong enough to blow his head off. It just puts his glasses out of place and makes him annoyed. So you take the heavy base of...
Leafblower Killer Day!
You want to go down in history as the Leafblower Killer and today’s your first kill. You find a neighbor in his yard and you sneak up from behind. When he turns around, you turn on your leafblower and aim it straight at his head. Unfortunately, the gust isn’t strong enough to blow his head off. It just puts his glasses out of place and makes him annoyed. So you take the heavy base...
1 tag
Train Tracks Day!
You’re nine so it’s time to go fuck around near some fuckin’ train tracks. Hang out with some homeless guys maybe? Poke a dead opossum with a stick or something. Set fire to a stray cat maybe? Poke a dead homeless guy with a stick or something. Pee up in the air and get a little bit on you maybe? Meet a girl who’s looking for food for her sick dad or something. Help escaped...
Train Tracks Day!
You’re nine so it’s time to go fuck around near some fuckin’ train tracks. Hang out with some homeless guys maybe? Poke a dead opossum with a stick or something. Set fire to a stray cat maybe? Poke a dead homeless guy with a stick or something. Pee up in the air and get a little bit on you maybe? Meet a girl who’s looking for food for her sick dad or something. Help...
2 tags
Wargames Peterson Day!
Your parents named you Wargames Peterson because they loved the movie WarGames and they wanted you to embody the sense of light-hearted terror they felt while watching the 80’s techno-thriller. It’s annoying, though, because every time you tell someone your name they immediately start speaking in the Joshua voice and asking, “Shall we play a…game?” Or worse,...
Wargames Peterson Day!
Your parents named you Wargames Peterson because they loved the movie WarGames and they wanted you to embody the sense of light-hearted terror they felt while watching the 80’s techno-thriller. It’s annoying, though, because every time you tell someone your name they immediately start speaking in the Joshua voice and asking, “Shall we play a…game?” Or worse,...
1 tag
Stop Drunk Texting Your Priest Day!
Hey fther, just thru up in a cab. Dont tell jeesus! Shhhhhhh Not cool. Your priest gave you his cell phone number back when your parents were getting a divorce and he wanted you to feel like you could call him anytime you needed some support through that trying time. Yes, it was a mistake on his part. He was new to the Parish and just out of the seminary and he was maybe trying a little too hard...
Stop Drunk Texting Your Priest Day!
Hey fther, just thru up in a cab. Dont tell jeesus! Shhhhhhh Not cool. Your priest gave you his cell phone number back when your parents were getting a divorce and he wanted you to feel like you could call him anytime you needed some support through that trying time. Yes, it was a mistake on his part. He was new to the Parish and just out of the seminary and he was maybe trying a little too...
1 tag
You Left Your Heart At The Topahanga Campground...
Today riding home in the passenger seat while your husband curses the traffic from behind the wheel, all you can do is remember that hand on your lower back, that breath in your ear, that stench of sanitizer and feces. “Beautiful night,” he said when he saw you. “Yes it is.” You’d already been waiting for five minutes for the person inside the Port-a-Potty to come out...
You Left Your Heart At The Topahanga Campground...
Today riding home in the passenger seat while your husband curses the traffic from behind the wheel, all you can do is remember that hand on your lower back, that breath in your ear, that stench of sanitizer and feces. “Beautiful night,” he said when he saw you. “Yes it is.” You’d already been waiting for five minutes for the person inside the Port-a-Potty to...