October 2009
34 posts
1 tag
Airplane Stripper Day!
You’re an airplane stripper on a wealthy industrial titan’s private jet and today the wealthy industrial titan seems distracted. “Don’t like what you see, Jeff?” you ask. “Alice, how long have we known each other,” Jeff says. “Eleven days,” you say. “Eleven days,” he repeats. “Then you’re the only one I can trust.”...
Airplane Stripper Day!
You’re an airplane stripper on a wealthy industrial titan’s private jet and today the wealthy industrial titan seems distracted. “Don’t like what you see, Jeff?” you ask. “Alice, how long have we known each other,” Jeff says. “Eleven days,” you say. “Eleven days,” he repeats. “Then you’re the only one I can trust.”...
1 tag
Tell A Kid He Should Be Thankful For What He's Got...
Walking down the street today you’ll see a little boy staring into the window of a toy store, pointing at a train set and crying. You’ll overhear his father say, “No, it’s too expensive.” The little boy will say, “I hate you! I hate you!” The father will say, “I’m going over to look in that men’s clothing store window. You just stay here...
Tell A Kid He Should Be Thankful For What He's Got...
Walking down the street today you’ll see a little boy staring into the window of a toy store, pointing at a train set and crying. You’ll overhear his father say, “No, it’s too expensive.” The little boy will say, “I hate you! I hate you!” The father will say, “I’m going over to look in that men’s clothing store window. You just stay...
1 tag
You Got Bit By The Love Raccoon Day!
Cleaning out your garage last night, you disturbed a raccoon that was apparently living behind some empty paint cans. It jumped out at you, scratched at your cheeks and bit you several times on the forehead. When you came out of your garage, a woman pulled over in front of your house holding a map. She wanted directions to a local college. You fell in love with her instantly. You got bit by The...
You Got Bit By The Love Raccoon Day!
Cleaning out your garage last night, you disturbed a raccoon that was apparently living behind some empty paint cans. It jumped out at you, scratched at your cheeks and bit you several times on the forehead. When you came out of your garage, a woman pulled over in front of your house holding a map. She wanted directions to a local college. You fell in love with her instantly. You got bit by...
1 tag
Stumbling Into An Elementary School Cafeteria Day!
Your three-day bender is about to come to a close. All of your friends have either gotten thrown in jail, beaten up by bouncers, or they’ve gone sober. You’re alone. You’re cold. You want something to eat. I smell…tater tots, you think. You follow the scent to a large non-descript building that looks kind of familiar, and you shove your way through the double doors into an...
Stumbling Into An Elementary School Cafeteria Day!...
Your three-day bender is about to come to a close. All of your friends have either gotten thrown in jail, beaten up by bouncers, or they’ve gone sober. You’re alone. You’re cold. You want something to eat. I smell…tater tots, you think. You follow the scent to a large non-descript building that looks kind of familiar, and you shove your way through the double doors into...
1 tag
You And Your Husband Want To Marry Other People...
You’ve been married for a month already and frankly, the fact that you don’t have any weddings planned is making the future look less than awesome. “Let’s marry other people,” your husband will say. “That’s classic!” you’ll reply. You and your husband will go out to the bars and woo prospective second spouses until you each find that...
You And Your Husband Want To Marry Other People...
You’ve been married for a month already and frankly, the fact that you don’t have any weddings planned is making the future look less than awesome. “Let’s marry other people,” your husband will say. “That’s classic!” you’ll reply. You and your husband will go out to the bars and woo prospective second spouses until you each find that...
1 tag
Save Your Family Day!
Today some crazy people with guns who wear masks that don’t have any eyeholes are going to come into your house and announce, “We’re going to rape and kill all of you right here in the middle of dinner. It’s what we do for fun. Who’s first?” Everyone in your family will say, “Aw man! I wanted to finish dinner.” Then they’ll accept their fates...
Save Your Family Day!
Today some crazy people with guns who wear masks that don’t have any eyeholes are going to come into your house and announce, “We’re going to rape and kill all of you right here in the middle of dinner. It’s what we do for fun. Who’s first?” Everyone in your family will say, “Aw man! I wanted to finish dinner.” Then they’ll accept their...
1 tag
She's Leaving You* Day!
Your girlfriend is walking out on you today. “I’ve fallen in love with something.” “Something?” you’ll say. She’ll nod. “Not a person?” “No. God no.” “Then…what?” She’ll shake her head. “I can’t. It’s so…” “Embarrassing?” “New. I’m afraid of jinxing...
She's Leaving You* Day!
Your girlfriend is walking out on you today. “I’ve fallen in love with something.” “Something?” you’ll say. She’ll nod. “Not a person?” “No. God no.” “Then…what?” She’ll shake her head. “I can’t. It’s so…” “Embarrassing?” “New. I’m afraid of jinxing...
1 tag
You Want To Lick His Digital Watch Day!
He’s got a digital watch on his wrist and you wanna know how it tastes. You’ve been watching him all afternoon, sitting at his desk trying to make it through this defensive driving class without falling asleep, and you can’t help but stare at the jet black plastic band wrapped around his snow white wrist. You want to slip your tongue underneath that band and have him tighten it,...
You Want To Lick His Digital Watch Day!
He’s got a digital watch on his wrist and you wanna know how it tastes. You’ve been watching him all afternoon, sitting at his desk trying to make it through this defensive driving class without falling asleep, and you can’t help but stare at the jet black plastic band wrapped around his snow white wrist. You want to slip your tongue underneath that band and have him tighten...
1 tag
Don't Commit A Felony Day!
Apologies for all those whose big bank heist or matricide was planned for today. It sucks when you have something on your schedule for weeks in advance and then something comes along at the last minute and you’re forced to cancel. Unfortunately though, today’s Don’t Commit a Felony Day. So if you were planning to steal a car, shoot a liquor store owner in the face, or set a...
Don't Commit A Felony Day!
Apologies for all those whose big bank heist or matricide was planned for today. It sucks when you have something on your schedule for weeks in advance and then something comes along at the last minute and you’re forced to cancel. Unfortunately though, today’s Don’t Commit a Felony Day. So if you were planning to steal a car, shoot a liquor store owner in the face, or set a...
1 tag
Maxed Out Credit Cards Guy Day!
Today you’re maxed out credit cards guy. You’re going to go from store to store, ringing up hundreds of dollars of items, then you’ll hand over one of your maxed out credit cards for payment and wait for the big reveal. “Try it again!” you’ll shout. The cashier will tell you the card is simply not being accepted. So you’ll give her another....
Maxed Out Credit Cards Guy Day!
Today you’re maxed out credit cards guy. You’re going to go from store to store, ringing up hundreds of dollars of items, then you’ll hand over one of your maxed out credit cards for payment and wait for the big reveal. “Try it again!” you’ll shout. The cashier will tell you the card is simply not being accepted. So you’ll give her another....
1 tag
Your Rescue From A Basement After Many Many Years,...
Today you’re going to be freed from the basement where you’ve been held captive for several years. The darkness and silence has turned you mad, and you’ll have trouble grasping onto your sense of self. The emptiness of the basement robbed you of your ability to distinguish your own personhood from the surrounding environment, and so when people ask you questions you don’t...
Your Rescue From A Basement After Many Many Years,...
Today you’re going to be freed from the basement where you’ve been held captive for several years. The darkness and silence has turned you mad, and you’ll have trouble grasping onto your sense of self. The emptiness of the basement robbed you of your ability to distinguish your own personhood from the surrounding environment, and so when people ask you questions you...
1 tag
No Karate Class Day!
When you go back to pick up little Susan and Jesse from Karate class, you’ll find all the kids sitting still on the mats, just as you left them. Except they’ll all be looking down into their laps, the expressions on their faces far too morose for children so young. “Where’s Sensei?” you’ll ask. Susan will look up at you, her eyes puffy, and she’ll shake...
No Karate Class Day!
When you go back to pick up little Susan and Jesse from Karate class, you’ll find all the kids sitting still on the mats, just as you left them. Except they’ll all be looking down into their laps, the expressions on their faces far too morose for children so young. “Where’s Sensei?” you’ll ask. Susan will look up at you, her eyes puffy, and she’ll shake...
1 tag
Misquote That Movie "Tobey Maguire" Day!
Today you should misquote that Tom Cruise movie about the talent agent who wants to see money. So when you see someone with money, shout at them “Let me see your money!” When you love someone and you want them to know it, say to them, “I wasn’t done, but thanks to you, I’m all set. Ding!” And if you just want someone to shut up, say, “I was sick of you...
Misquote That Movie "Tobey Maguire" Day!
Today you should misquote that Tom Cruise movie about the talent agent who wants to see money. So when you see someone with money, shout at them “Let me see your money!” When you love someone and you want them to know it, say to them, “I wasn’t done, but thanks to you, I’m all set. Ding!” And if you just want someone to shut up, say, “I was sick of you...
1 tag
Grocery Shopping All By Your Lonesome Day!
Get past the pears with your eyes closed. She liked pears. Ate one every day. She hated cereal and she hated the sound of you eating it. Now when you eat it, it’s deafening. You can see what she meant. Skip the cereal and switch to toast. Don’t buy any milk. Milk was her thing. In her coffee. You don’t need it anymore. Before she moved in the only milk you ever had in your fridge...
Grocery Shopping All By Your Lonesome Day!
Get past the pears with your eyes closed. She liked pears. Ate one every day. She hated cereal and she hated the sound of you eating it. Now when you eat it, it’s deafening. You can see what she meant. Skip the cereal and switch to toast. Don’t buy any milk. Milk was her thing. In her coffee. You don’t need it anymore. Before she moved in the only milk you ever had in your...
1 tag
Your Video Masturbation Subscription List Is Bored...
Back in ‘67 you started a subscription-based club for people who wanted to receive a drawing of you masturbating once every month. You promised that the drawing was a true representation of one of your masturbation sessions that took place during the month prior (or an amalgam of several, if you felt there was too much going on that month to limit it to one position/setting). In the...
Your Video Masturbation Subscription List Is Bored...
Back in ‘67 you started a subscription-based club for people who wanted to receive a drawing of you masturbating once every month. You promised that the drawing was a true representation of one of your masturbation sessions that took place during the month prior (or an amalgam of several, if you felt there was too much going on that month to limit it to one position/setting). In the...
1 tag
He Controls The Rain Day!
“I control the rain,” he said. You had no reason not to believe him. “So when you’re on an elevator and someone asks if you ordered all this rain you say yes?” “I try to keep it a secret in order to keep from being abducted by governments.” You were smitten. “He controls the rain,” you said. “What’s that pay?” your Dad asked....
He Controls The Rain Day!
“I control the rain,” he said. You had no reason not to believe him. “So when you’re on an elevator and someone asks if you ordered all this rain you say yes?” “I try to keep it a secret in order to keep from being abducted by governments.” You were smitten. “He controls the rain,” you said. “What’s that pay?” your Dad asked....
1 tag
Too High To Play Lotto Day!
You only had one thing on your to-do list today but you got too high to do it. You were going to play your Mom’s lotto numbers then bring the tickets over to her house, but you started panicking that since the lotto is run by the government you’d be added to some kind of list for special observation and eventually, when the other shoe falls, you’d be shipped off to help build the...
Too High To Play Lotto Day!
You only had one thing on your to-do list today but you got too high to do it. You were going to play your Mom’s lotto numbers then bring the tickets over to her house, but you started panicking that since the lotto is run by the government you’d be added to some kind of list for special observation and eventually, when the other shoe falls, you’d be shipped off to help...
