It’s day 6 and there’s still no sign of the President of the United States. He took off over the weekend after he found out he got a staffer pregnant. She didn’t want to abort and he got scared of having to raise another kid (his third), so he took off. He left a note for the Vice President that just read, “Sorry man.” The nation’s police forces have been instructed to treat the president’s disappearance as if it were an abduction or a murder investigation. But the nation’s citizens are starting to wonder whether he shouldn’t just be left alone.
"He didn’t want to raise a kid," people are saying to each other across dinner tables. "The Vice President can handle things. Let the guy go."
"Do we really want him to come back to his job even?" other people are saying to each other near water coolers. "If he’ll run from something like this, what will he do when someone blasts us with bombs?"
"Don’t blame me, I voted for Bill and Opus," some asshole just said to no one listening.
Today you’re going to be driving across country to a place where you think there might be work and you’re gonna pick up a hitchhiker. After driving for a bit, you’ll get a look at his profile and you’ll know it’s him, but you won’t say anything. You’ll just keep going, taking your president as far as he needs to go. Just before dropping him off at a truck stop you’ll say, “I ain’t gonna say nothing.”
"Appreciate that," the President of the United States will say. Then he’ll wander around to the back parking lot of the truck stop, probably looking for his next ride. You’ll drive on, feeling proud. You’ll have served your country well today.
Happy The President’s Gone Day!
ps: Bob’s new book, “You Are A Miserable Excuse for a Hero,” is out now! Pick up a copy soonish!