May 2008
23 posts
3 tags
The President's Gone Day!
It’s day 6 and there’s still no sign of the President of the United States. He took off over the weekend after he found out he got a staffer pregnant. She didn’t want to abort and he got scared of having to raise another kid (his third), so he took off. He left a note for the Vice President that just read, “Sorry man.” The nation’s police forces have been...
The President's Gone Day!
It’s day 6 and there’s still no sign of the President of the United States. He took off over the weekend after he found out he got a staffer pregnant. She didn’t want to abort and he got scared of having to raise another kid (his third), so he took off. He left a note for the Vice President that just read, “Sorry man.” The nation’s police forces have...
2 tags
"You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero" Day!
FYI: If you haven’t heard, Bob Powers’ new “choose-your-own-ending” style humor book (for adults who are 33 and failing) is out today. Go check it out! “You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero” Day! You publish a magazine devoted to the Buick LeSabre. It includes all sorts of celebratory personal essays as well as fan-fiction written from the point of view of...
"You Are A Miserable Excuse For A Hero" Day!
You publish a magazine devoted to the Buick LeSabre. It includes all sorts of celebratory personal essays as well as fan-fiction written from the point of view of sentient Buick LeSabres who can love. Today you’re going to get a call that one of your readers has taken a Buick dealership hostage because they’ve been putting their LeSabres in the back of the lot, away from...
1 tag
"Miserable Excuse" excerpt up on the HuffPost
The Huffington Post ran an excerpt from my new book, out this Tuesday. Check it out. And you can find a much longer sample, with many of the different outcomes, HERE! Give it a read. Happy Memorial Day.
1 tag
You're All Outta Love Day!
You’re all outta love and you’re only 46. “I blew my love on a whole lotta people who didn’t deserve it,” you say at the dinner table, eyeing your two sons with scorn. Your two sons both give you the finger in response. “Are you sure you didn’t leave some of your love in your other pants,” your wife says pointedly. She knows about the affair with...
You're All Outta Love Day!
You’re all outta love and you’re only 46. “I blew my love on a whole lotta people who didn’t deserve it,” you say at the dinner table, eyeing your two sons with scorn. Your two sons both give you the finger in response. “Are you sure you didn’t leave some of your love in your other pants,” your wife says pointedly. She knows about the affair...
2 tags
Sex Bus Day!
You were the sole survivor of the Great Christmas Eve Sex Bus crash of 2006. You barely remember a thing after the bus crashed through the guardrail and broke through the ice on the frozen over lake. There was screaming and there was cold, and then you were lying topless on a muddy bank feeling nothing but a sharp pain behind your eyes. You have no idea why you were the only one to not get...
Sex Bus Day!
You were the sole survivor of the Great Christmas Eve Sex Bus crash of 2006. You barely remember a thing after the bus crashed through the guardrail and broke through the ice on the frozen over lake. There was screaming and there was cold, and then you were lying topless on a muddy bank feeling nothing but a sharp pain behind your eyes. You have no idea why you were the only one to not get...
Hooker Wisdom Day!
Of all the Hookers on your block, Charlene is your favorite. The others are too busy looking for Johns or worrying about the cops to pay attention to you, but Charlene always takes notice of you when you come home at night. Unless she’s leaning inside a stranger’s car trying to make a sale, she’ll be sure to give you a snappy remark or quip that is infused with the wisdom of the streets. You’ll...
Hooker Wisdom Day!
Of all the Hookers on your block, Charlene is your favorite. The others are too busy looking for Johns or worrying about the cops to pay attention to you, but Charlene always takes notice of you when you come home at night. Unless she’s leaning inside a stranger’s car trying to make a sale, she’ll be sure to give you a snappy remark or quip that is infused with the wisdom of the streets. ...
2 tags
Bodybuilders Should Date Bodybuilders Day!
You’re a bodybuilder who loves to whale on your abs and glutes, and you’re falling in love with a girl who barely weighs a hundred pounds and doesn’t have a muscle on her whole body. Your bodybuilder friends are really rude to her when you bring her to Muscle Beach. “What are you doing with that softy dude? Bodybuilders stick with bodybuilders. We understand each...
Bodybuilders Should Date Bodybuilders Day!
You’re a bodybuilder who loves to whale on your abs and glutes, and you’re falling in love with a girl who barely weighs a hundred pounds and doesn’t have a muscle on her whole body. Your bodybuilder friends are really rude to her when you bring her to Muscle Beach. “What are you doing with that softy dude? Bodybuilders stick with bodybuilders. We understand each...
3 tags
It’s Your Boss’ Birthday Day!
Get him a pony. Just walk it in this morning with a big bow and a “Happy Birthday” ribbon around its neck and park it next to you desk. When your boss asks what’s with the pony, tell him he’ll have to wait until the afternoon when it’s cake-time before he gets his gifts. Your boss will bring you into his office and tell you to get rid of the pony. “But I bought it for you,” say. “Don’t you...
It’s Your Boss’ Birthday Day!
Get him a pony. Just walk it in this morning with a big bow and a “Happy Birthday” ribbon around its neck and park it next to you desk. When your boss asks what’s with the pony, tell him he’ll have to wait until the afternoon when it’s cake-time before he gets his gifts. Your boss will bring you into his office and tell you to get rid of the pony. “But I bought it for you,” say. “Don’t you...
3 tags
Middle-Aged Riot Day!
Tomorrow, when they ask who started it all and why, they’ll put your picture on the screen and they’ll show some video of your sons, who will tell a reporter that they haven’t spoken to you since your divorce from their mom and so they can’t say they know why you threw that garbage can through the plate glass window of a Whole Foods. They’ll find your wife tomorrow too, and she’ll tell them that...
Middle-Aged Riot Day!
Tomorrow, when they ask who started it all and why, they’ll put your picture on the screen and they’ll show some video of your sons, who will tell a reporter that they haven’t spoken to you since your divorce from their mom and so they can’t say they know why you threw that garbage can through the plate glass window of a Whole Foods. They’ll find your wife tomorrow too, and she’ll tell them...
1 tag
Have Sex So Forgettable You'll Go Home And Slap...
Today you should have sex that is so completely forgettable and not even worth the mess that you’ll get on a plane and fly back to your mama’s house so you can slap her across the face because she never told you sex could be so “eh.” “You’re withholding,” your Mama will say, rubbing her cheek where you slapped her. “You got that from me.”...
Have Sex So Forgettable You'll Go Home And Slap...
Today you should have sex that is so completely forgettable and not even worth the mess that you’ll get on a plane and fly back to your mama’s house so you can slap her across the face because she never told you sex could be so “eh.” “You’re withholding,” your Mama will say, rubbing her cheek where you slapped her. “You got that from me.”...
2 tags
Pay Your Uncle Pete To Ask You To Be An Assassin...
At around 1PM today, have your Uncle Pete show up to your social studies class dressed in all black. He’ll knock on the door and the teacher will let him in, thinking he’s a responsible adult who has something important to share. Then he’ll find you and he’ll say what you told him to say, word for word. “I’m sorry to interrupt your studies, but I can’t take no for an answer when we both know...
Pay Your Uncle Pete To Ask You To Be An Assassin...
At around 1PM today, have your Uncle Pete show up to your social studies class dressed in all black. He’ll knock on the door and the teacher will let him in, thinking he’s a responsible adult who has something important to share. Then he’ll find you and he’ll say what you told him to say, word for word. “I’m sorry to interrupt your studies, but I can’t take no for an answer when we both...
1 tag
Stop The Rise In Girl Crime Day!
When you were a little boy and girls would tease you on the playground because you were so cute, you wanted them put behind bars for their crimes. You used to dream that one day you’d have the power to dole out the punishment girls deserve for crossing the line of justice. When you turned 21 you opened up a private detective’s office, focusing only on solving girl-crime. Your slogan was, “If a...
Stop The Rise In Girl Crime Day!
When you were a little boy and girls would tease you on the playground because you were so cute, you wanted them put behind bars for their crimes. You used to dream that one day you’d have the power to dole out the punishment girls deserve for crossing the line of justice. When you turned 21 you opened up a private detective’s office, focusing only on solving girl-crime. Your slogan was,...
