March 2008
22 posts
4 tags
You and Your Boyfriend Loved “The Matrix” Day!
You and your boyfriend have probably seen “The Matrix” over a thousand times. So when you come home today and find your boyfriend dead in his chair of a heroin overdose, you do like in “The Matrix” and you lean in close to his ear and whisper that you love him. That’s supposed to make him come back to life, if there really is a Matrix (you and your boyfriend think there is). But telling him you...
You and Your Boyfriend Loved “The Matrix” Day!
You and your boyfriend have probably seen “The Matrix” over a thousand times. So when you come home today and find your boyfriend dead in his chair of a heroin overdose, you do like in “The Matrix” and you lean in close to his ear and whisper that you love him. That’s supposed to make him come back to life, if there really is a Matrix (you and your boyfriend think there is). But telling...
3 tags
Death Race For Pizza Day!
“Another one of Johnny’s famously dumb ideas,” your ex-wife is thinking as she watches you on her badass big screen TV. “He’d sign up for anything.” It’s true, you would. You like to be picked for stuff. You always stop on the sidewalk when activists ask you if you have a minute to listen to them rattle off statistics about the environment and hungry children. You love when you get a phone...
Death Race For Pizza Day!
“Another one of Johnny’s famously dumb ideas,” your ex-wife is thinking as she watches you on her badass big screen TV. “He’d sign up for anything.” It’s true, you would. You like to be picked for stuff. You always stop on the sidewalk when activists ask you if you have a minute to listen to them rattle off statistics about the environment and hungry children. You love when you get a...
3 tags
Your Building’s Superintendent Wants To Cut Your...
He’s in beauty school and since your hair’s curly, he’s always wanting to give you cuts because curly is the kind of hair he has trouble with. “Okay superintendent, just once more,” you say when you bump into him while he’s bundling up the trash bags. Three hours later your hair looks horrible and your superintendent hates himself. “I’m going to be separating trash for the rest of my life,” he...
Your Building’s Superintendent Wants To Cut Your...
He’s in beauty school and since your hair’s curly, he’s always wanting to give you cuts because curly is the kind of hair he has trouble with. “Okay superintendent, just once more,” you say when you bump into him while he’s bundling up the trash bags. Three hours later your hair looks horrible and your superintendent hates himself. “I’m going to be separating trash for the rest of my life,” he...
3 tags
You’re Just Trying To Drop Off Some Snack Foods...
The store’s security chief has you in the back room and he wants to know what you’re up to. “Did you see me steal anything?” you ask him. “You might as well call the police if so.” The security chief says you and he are just having a conversation. “I’m just curious as to what your plans might be for my store. You’ve piqued my interest. When I see a man come into a furniture store every night...
You’re Just Trying To Drop Off Some Snack Foods...
The store’s security chief has you in the back room and he wants to know what you’re up to. “Did you see me steal anything?” you ask him. “You might as well call the police if so.” The security chief says you and he are just having a conversation. “I’m just curious as to what your plans might be for my store. You’ve piqued my interest. When I see a man come into a furniture store every...
3 tags
Carnival Cruise To The Edge Of The Earth Day!
It’s day 91 of your stay on the Carnival Cruise Journey to the Edge of the Earth. The ship has had to dock at various ports to refuel around 18 times. Many of your fellow passengers have begun losing their minds from being on the boat for so long, their only options being to hide in their cabins, to sit by the pool and watch the same thirty eight children urinate, to go to the club in the...
Carnival Cruise To The Edge Of The Earth Day!
It’s day 91 of your stay on the Carnival Cruise Journey to the Edge of the Earth. The ship has had to dock at various ports to refuel around 18 times. Many of your fellow passengers have begun losing their minds from being on the boat for so long, their only options being to hide in their cabins, to sit by the pool and watch the same thirty eight children urinate, to go to the club in the...
2 tags
Why Won’t You Ever Spend More Than Twenty Minutes...
Your boyfriend is upset because you won’t ever spend more than twenty minutes at one time with him. Whether it be dinner, a conversation about your and his dreams, sex, even trips to the movies have to be interrupted by you getting up and going out to the lobby every twenty minutes and then coming right back. “I’ve had it,” he says. “I’ll explain,” you say. Tell him that when you were six your...
Why Won’t You Ever Spend More Then Twenty Minutes...
Your boyfriend is upset because you won’t ever spend more than twenty minutes at one time with him. Whether it be dinner, a conversation about your and his dreams, sex, even trips to the movies have to be interrupted by you getting up and going out to the lobby every twenty minutes and then coming right back. “I’ve had it,” he says. “I’ll explain,” you say. Tell him that when you were six...
1 tag
Dr. Myron Misses The Patients She Euthanized Day!
Every day she sees their faces. Stanley. Rita. Old angry Felix. Stinky Pete. That racist Maureen. Every last one of them was super old and super dying, and every last one of them lives in Dr Myron’s heart as big as a lost spouse. She’s one of the most sought after euthanists in all of Portland. She gives her patients and their families the peace they crave after so much suffering. She...
Dr. Myron Misses The Patients She Euthanized Day!
Every day she sees their faces. Stanley. Rita. Old angry Felix. Stinky Pete. That racist Maureen. Every last one of them was super old and super dying, and every last one of them lives in Dr Myron’s heart as big as a lost spouse. She’s one of the most sought after euthanists in all of Portland. She gives her patients and their families the peace they crave after so much suffering. She...
1 tag
Goodbye Sal Of Sal’s Hoagies and Cheeseteaks Day!
Hear Bob Powers read this one, recorded at NPR’s “Bryant Park Project” studios Today immediately after slicing his one millionth Italian Hoagie into two halves, Sal of Sal’s Hoagies and Cheesesteaks will slice into his own throat and drop to the floor of his kitchen to die. “Guess Sal hit a million,” Louie, one of his faithful lunch crowd will say as he watches the puddle of...
Goodbye Sal Of Sal’s Hoagies and Cheeseteaks Day!
Today immediately after slicing his one millionth Italian Hoagie into two halves, Sal of Sal’s Hoagies and Cheesesteaks will slice into his own throat and drop to the floor of his kitchen to die. “Guess Sal hit a million,” Louie, one of his faithful lunch crowd will say as he watches the puddle of blood seep from behind the counter into the seating area. “I knew this day was coming,” Jerry,...
Draft-Dodge Day!
Aliens just landed on Earth and they’re hostile as balls. They’ve already destroyed the White House, The Empire State Building, and some building in LA that no one could give a shit about. The military is preparing to launch a counter-attack and they’ve reinstituted the Draft to use as many able-bodied Americans as they can in their efforts to destroy the alien army and prevent...
Draft-Dodge Day!
Aliens just landed on Earth and they’re hostile as balls. They’ve already destroyed the White House, The Empire State Building, and some building in LA that no one could give a shit about.
The military is preparing to launch a counter-attack and they’ve reinstituted the Draft to use as many able-bodied Americans as they can in their efforts to destroy the alien army and prevent...
You Used To Eat Your Dinner Out Of An Old Tire You...
When you were in your thirties, you had a string of bad luck that led you to a vacant lot, where you found an old car tire that someone did not need anymore, so you used the inside of the tire as a dinner plate. This allowed you to keep the fried chicken pieces you bought at the chinese takeout place from having to rest on the ground while they were waiting to be eaten by you. You can only hold...
You Used To Eat Your Dinner Out Of An Old Tire You...
When you were in your thirties, you had a string of bad luck that led you to a vacant lot, where you found an old car tire that someone did not need anymore, so you used the inside of the tire as a dinner plate. This allowed you to keep the fried chicken pieces you bought at the chinese takeout place from having to rest on the ground while they were waiting to be eaten by you. You can only hold...
2 tags
Make The Scumbags Pay Day!
Someone ate your pudding. You put your name on it, dated it, just like the sign on the break-room fridge says to do. You put it in the crisper drawer, even, because you know these fucking animals can’t be trusted to control themselves if there’s a cup of chocolate pudding sitting in plain sight when they reach in to grab some creamer. You know how it gets at 3 PM, when you’re looking for...
Make The Scumbags Pay Day!
Someone ate your pudding. You put your name on it, dated it, just like the sign on the break-room fridge says to do. You put it in the crisper drawer, even, because you know these fucking animals can’t be trusted to control themselves if there’s a cup of chocolate pudding sitting in plain sight when they reach in to grab some creamer. You know how it gets at 3 PM, when you’re looking for...
