September 2007
19 posts
Depressed Roommate Who Isn’t Eating His Ice Cream...
Your roommate has been depressed for a couple of months now. He’s spending all his time alone in his room, sleeping all day or sitting in the tub for hours on end. He always looks unkempt, like it was a real effort for him just to get dressed. Anytime he comes home from work he just marches right past you without saying a word and goes into his bedroom, slamming his door behind him. It’s been...
That Pile Of Clothes Looks Like A Person When The...
When you turn the lights out, that pile of clothes on your chair looks like a person. Tonight you’re going to start talking to it. “I’m going to call you Jesse because I’ve always wanted a friend named Jesse. Jesse, I once saw a little boy drowning in a cold river and I did nothing. I just kept walking because I didn’t want to risk my own life to save him. The next day I saw that the boy was...
Start Throwing Up And Never Stop Day!
To pull this off, you need to hear some kind of news that would trigger the kind of nausea that would doom you to a lifetime of endless and uninterrupted vomiting. Like maybe you just found out the woman for whom you’ve always held an unrequited love is going to marry the guy who tricked you into thinking you were the prom king in high school only so you he could shoot a watercannon full of...
Don’t Forget To Take The Drug Money Out Of Your...
Today you’re going to be so excited to get your new mattress that you’re going to forget to take out all the drug money you had stuffed in your old mattress before the delivery guys take it away for you. You’ll be rolling around on your new mattress for a good ten minutes before you remember. “Shoot!” you’ll say. Then you’ll call the mattress store and tell them that you left several hundred...
The Party City Massacre Day!
Today you’re going to go into Party City, your local discount party superstore, and you’re going to give the girl behind the counter a note that says you have a bomb in your pants and she’d better start filling up the helium balloons or it’s curtains. The girl will push the police call button under her register that’s there for just this sort of emergency, and then she’ll start filling up the...
Hunting For Toucans Day!
Today you’re going into the jungle to hunt and kill some toucans. Along the way you’ll stumble upon a tribe of savages who will think that you are their God because you look like the cave painting someone did of their God one time, and they’ll all bow down to you and tell you you can have anything you want as long as you finally make the trees bear fruit again. If you don’t make the trees bear...
Some Kids From MTV Are Here To Watch You Do Stuff...
You’re not sure how they got in. They’re all on the floor lining the wall of your living room, and they’ve filled up the couch as well. They’re here to watch you do stuff without paying any real attention to you. Mostly, they’ll just be looking at someplace past you where there’s probably a camera or a producer signaling them. On occasion, when you’ll be on the phone and you’ll say something...
The Magical Wardrobe Day!
You’re a thirteen year old boy who has just discovered that your wardrobe has the magical ability to teleport you to another place in time. Whenever you go inside the wardrobe, a bright light appears and you find yourself inside the locked broom closet of a bus station in Minneapolis, eight minutes into the future. You don’t know how to get out of the closet, and there’s nothing really for you...
Abstinence Makes The Heart Grow Hornier Day!
You and your buddies down at the mill decided to have a contest to see who can go the longest without having sex with a woman. After eighteen years it’s just you, Marcus and Joey left. Chris ended up screwing a hooker when he went to Reno in 2000. And Matt divorced his wife in 1998 and so he kind of went on the warpath and had sex with two different women in 1999. He married the second and...
The Dog That Drank Himself Into A Coma Day!
You moved to a new city five months ago and you haven’t made any friends yet, so you spend a lot of time at home drinking alone, which you hate. You’re really lonely and you feel awful just sitting there at your kitchen table drunk with no one to talk to or raise your glass with or take a swing at. The only other living thing in your house is your dog, Larue. Tonight you’re going to spike...
You’re Like The Dexter Of Shoplifters Day!
You’re a security guard at a mall Boscov’s, and you probably bust one shoplifter every two days. Though your store publicly claims that its policy is to prosecute shoplifters to the fullest extent of the law, the real policy is that shoplifters are to be caught, taken to the security office where they are photographed and warned to never return to the store or risk prosecution. You’ve turned a...
You Don’t Want To Rent Dune Buggies Out In The...
“I don’t like the desert,” tell him. “It’s dry, and dune buggies are dangerous. We’ll never get insured.” He’s turning 35 in a year and eight months and he wants to get out of the rat race in advance of that. His idea is to go out into the desert, live in a wooden shack and rent out Dune Buggies to people who want to come out and have fun in the sand, or who are looking for someone who went...
You Know Lou Barlow Day!
You don’t have all that much going for you except that you know Lou Barlow. You and he used to be roommates way, way back when, and after losing touch with him, you moved into his current neighborhood solely so that you would be able to contact him and tell him you and he should get together again. You had brunch in 2005, and that’s the last you and he spoke face to face. Though you do send him...
Troublemaker Day!
Your Dad is a taxidermist and you’re a rebellious teenager so it’s time for you to rebel against him by stuffing M-80’s inside the dead animals that are brought to him and blowing giant holes in their carcasses. “Do you know how much extra work you’re making me do when you do that? I have to sew up those rips and tears and make sure that the fur covers over the seams. You’re slowing my...
Sad Rock And Roll Star Day!
The rock and roll star is sad because his brother is trapped in a mine. “I’m gonna do a concert for him,” the sad rock and roll start will say. “Right next to the mine. And I’m gonna keep playing until he’s rescued. I’m gonna play for the rescue workers to keep their spirits up, and hopefully my brother will be able to hear me down there in that mine, and he’ll know I’m waiting here to give him...
There’s A Prince At The Door Day!
He’s got a cock ring and he wants to see if it fits you. Someone left it behind at a masquerade ball the night prior. Try it on and maybe you can be his princess. “Well?” you’ll say when you come out of the bathroom sporting the glittery rubber ring. The Prince will look at you and shake his head. “Good God no. Take that off at once and wash it.” You’ll do as he says. You’ll feel very stupid...
Man You Are Really Into Egg McMuffins Day!
You decided to start a website devoted to the wonder and beauty of the McDonalds Egg McMuffin, hoping that maybe there will be other people out there who also love Egg McMuffins who have been looking for someplace where they can get together and meet people who have similar interests. “Here’s my online shrine to the Egg McMuffin,” your homepage reads. “Hope all you other McMuffin lovers enjoy...
Your Mom’s Second Husband Moved Into The Building...
He likes to strangle himself while masturbating, apparently. His name’s Lou and your Mom (dead six years now, natural causes) married him in 1991, then divorced him in 1994. Lou is presently jerking off while hanging from a belt attached to a large hook mounted on his bedroom wall. He’s kicking his legs. She cheated on your Dad with him. Since he was the guy who brought about the downfall of...
College Sophomore Day!
Today you’re a college student starting up your sophomore year and you’ve decided to switch it up as regards the identity thing. “I’m gonna go transgender,” you tell your dad as he drives his hatchback full of your Bed Bath and Beyond bags onto campus. “Or transsexual I mean. Whichever one doesn’t involve me getting my junk chopped up.” “Sounds like this decision is going to be sending a pretty...
