April 2007
15 posts
Satellites Falling All Over The Beach Day!
Today all of the satellites are going to fall out of the sky and land on the beach. You’ll run to and fro trying to dodge the giant metal beasts, but there will be just so many. “Over here!” someone will shout. You’ll discover a man hiding in the doorway to the men’s room structure near the entrance to the beach. You normally don’t go near the men’s room because ever since you were a kid it was...
The Cute New Gas Station Attendant Day!
Today after the cute new gas station attendant fills up your car with gas, he’ll come around to your window and ask, “Why are you crying, lady?” Tell him, “Because I came here to seduce you. But then I heard you just now on your cell phone talking about how you saw the movie TMNT. My high school age son saw that too. I’m ashamed of myself. I never thought that at this point in my life I would...
They’re All Either Married Gay or Crazy Day!
Today you’re going to meet four men and they’re all either married, gay, or crazy. The first man is Carl the 92-year old. Have you guessed what Carl is yet? That’s right, he’s both gay and crazy. He’s been slowly losing his mind for a decade now. Thinks he’s in the war. The next man is Louis, the osteopath. You guessed right. Louis is married. The next man is Kevin, the Wendy’s manager. ...
Laptop Switchup Day!
Coming through security at the airport, you accidentally picked up the wrong laptop. It looked like yours, but once you got on the plane and opened it, the wallpaper was of a little girl, somebody’s daughter probably, and not a secretly captured “upskirt shot” of a strange woman in a park. You cursed your luck and hoped that you would be able to get your own laptop returned to you. Then you...
A Visit To The Optometrist Day!
Over the weekend you got mixed up in a pretty bad misunderstanding and you ended up putting your own eyes out. “Lemme guess,” your optometrist will say. “Please don’t,” you’ll say. “Is there anything you can do?” “Since you were smart enough to heat up the knives beforehand, the wound is already pretty solid so I don’t have to sew anything up. That was good thinking.” You’ll feel good about...
Sportsmanship Day!
Today when you lose the big game because you throw like a girl, tell the other team’s star player that you only lost because you don’t really care about sports. Tell him you think books and being with family is far more important. “I think you’re full of it,” he’ll say. “You would give up everything, even your ability to read, if you could be me for a day.” Tell him he’s wrong. But that you are...
In Loving Memory Of Ray Ray Day!
You used to be in a street gang in the fifties. You were called “The Rough Stuffs.” You wore that on the back of your leather jackets and it let everyone in town know that if they messed with you guys, they were in for some rough stuff. You got into lots of rumbles in your day. You’d rumble over which gang gets to hang out at the soda fountain in the afternoon, which gang gets to park their...
Dramamine Day!
You and your new bride both got real sick on your honeymoon cruise and you both took lots of Dramamine which fucked you both up and made you see stuff. “What’d you see?” you’ll ask three years into your marriage. “You first,” she’ll say. Tell her, “I saw the world in your face. It was a world of peace and beauty.” She’ll say, “I saw bugs everywhere.” Admit to her, “Yeah me too. I was just trying...
Your Thirteen Year Old Son Got His Dick Caught In...
You placed them throughout the house in various nooks and corners. It’d be absolutely impossible, even by accident, for anyone to get his penis anywhere near one of those traps. Unless he was really curious. “You’re not in trouble,” you’ll tell your son after you set him free. “But can you just tell me if you have any…questions? About anything?” Your son will burst into tears and scream, “I’m...
The Restaurant Where You Wait Tables Is On Fire...
You can only lead one person to safety. You’re in the weeds tonight. There are forty covers waiting to not burn to death, including the older divorcee who has been a regular of yours for years who loves to chat you up for a half hour or more before you even take her order, but there’s also a birthday party crowded with six year olds, but there’s also a two-top of newly-weds, but then again,...
You Make Your Mortgage Payments In Quarters Day!
Your mortgage payment is due today. Just like you’ve done every month for the past twelve years, you’re going to go down to the bank with a giant burlap sack containing $1121.56 in quarters (and six pennies) and thump it onto the desk in front of Jeff Blugard, the bank manager. “God you’re an asshole,” Jeff will say. “Fuck you Jeff, now mark it paid,” you’ll say. “Gotta count it first don’t...
At The Bottom Of Every Bottle Of Bourbon, There’s...
Today, as encouragement to get people to drink all of their bourbon, there’s going to be a prize at the bottom of every bottle. Some of the prizes will be too small and if you drink your bourbon too fast you’ll swallow your little plastic toy. Many will experience damage to the esophagus. Scraping. Many others will drink the toy without realizing it and they’ll think they are very unlucky, or...
And Then The Plane Crashes Gently Into The Sea...
You wish you could die in a plane crash with the sound turned off. There will be no screaming and no unearthly sound of metal being wrenched from metal. And when the flames fill the cabin, they won’t actually incinerate anybody, the fire will simply erase, or rather, displace the passengers and the cabin they were in. As the fire slowly floods the cabin, one second there will be a passenger...
Hang Onto Your Spot At The Mall Day!
Today at the mall, you’ll find that the bench in front of the Superpretzel will be completely empty. Run to it and take a seat, putting your Kohl’s bag on the other half of the bench so that no one else will sit with you. That bench is the best spot in the entire mall. Always has been, ever since you first started hanging out at that mall in 1981. It’s got perfect sun from the skylight, and...
Animals Can See Your Homosexuality Just Like It...
You know how animals can see ghosts that humans can’t see? Like when a ghost enters a room, the first thing that happens is a dog will start barking or a cat will raise its fur and hiss, and the owner will ask “What’s wrong boy?” right before books start flying off the shelves or the TV reception gets sucky? The same thing happens anytime you pay a visit to one of your pet-owner friends and...
