March 2007
22 posts
Jigsaw Puzzle Day!
You found the box with the jigsaw puzzle pieces deep in the back of the closet, and you don’t remember putting it there. You wondered whether this might be one of those jigsaw puzzles where it ends up depicting you, in the room you’re sitting in, doing a jigsaw puzzle, except in the puzzle there’s a face in the window. Sure enough, when you read the front of the box it says “500 Pcs Jigsaw...
Teach The Kids What’s Right And Wrong Day!
Today you’re going to be walking down an alley looking for someone to party with when you’ll spot two kids who have trapped a skinny gray cat in a corner. You’ll hang back for a second just to see if they’re gonna do anything funny to the cat, then you’ll be horrified when they take out a book of matches and a hairspray can. One of the kids will light a match, then he’ll send a stream of...
Your Foolproof Method For Scoring Chicks Sucks...
Your foolproof method for scoring chicks sucks, but it just so happens that it’s perfect for getting kids to choose not to join street gangs. You made a point of trying to be as straightforward and no-nonsense as you could, thinking that chicks like guys who are direct. It should have worked on chicks and it might still. You should let someone who is attractive to women try it and see if it...
Your Dad Misses His Cellmate Day!
Your Dad spent four months in prison on an old warrant for trying to buy a gun from an undercover cop back in Denver. You missed him like crazy while he was away, and according to his letters, he missed you too. But now that he’s back, he seems kind of distracted. Ask him why. “I miss my cellmate, Ronald,” he’ll say. “He was a born again, serving time for his second meth bust, and we used to...
Try To Get Some Free Chili Day!
With the recent turmoil surrounding the Department of Health and all the vermin sightings in fast food restaurants, everyone is a little on edge. It’s really easy to get free chili from places like Wendy’s in this kind of environment. Just chop off someone’s finger and bring the finger with you into Wendy’s when you order some chili. After you eat half of the bowl, drop the finger into the bowl...
Today’s The Day To Complete Your “Reign Over Me”...
Your friends are going to be so jealous when they see that not only do you have the Don Cheadle wearing a dentist coat action figure, but you also have the long-haired Adam Sandler acting like he’s retarded action figure (they’re the only two action figures available for this movie so far). You’d better clean your apartment though because they’re all going to want to come over and take turns...
Sell Suits Day!
A high-end department store is hiring salesmen in their Men’s Suits department. Before you apply, put lots of grease into your long, gray, curly hair and then pull it into a pony tail. Look disgusting? Perfect! Now get into that HR office and impress. “Why do you want to sell suits?” the interviewer will ask. “I’m too gross to wait tables. I look like a rapist, whether I am one or not, so I...
Your Staff Knows Your Wife Left You Eleven Years...
It’s a testament to how great a boss you are that they haven’t let on. They’ll stand in the break room with you on a Monday morning, listening to your endlessly imaginative fabrications of your weekend with the wife. They’ll hear “we had a big day at Home Depot” and they’ll smile and nod with all the vigor of someone trying not to burst into tears over how sad they are for you. “Sometimes I...
Bucket Of Heartbreak Day!
Your girlfriend loves her fried chicken more than she loves you, her parents, life, or the limitless freedom to excel and prosper granted to every citizen of this great country. “Fried chicken beats all that shit,” she likes to say. In fact, right before she rips the lid off of another bucket (which she has no intention of sharing) she says a little prayer of Grace, listing all of the things that...
Music To Your Ears Day!
You’re deaf and bitter, and you’ve been campaigning to make music illegal for years. Your platform is that if deaf people can’t enjoy music, no one should be allowed to because it’s mean to deaf people. Anytime someone challenges you, you accuse them of trying to be mean to the deaf and they relent. Today, the world governments have figured out a way to shut you up. They’re going to pretend to...
Take The Mirror Off Your Ceiling Day!
You and your wife stopped having sex a long time ago, so it’s time you took the mirror off your ceiling. All that mirror shows you is two people who aren’t having sex, and you hate looking up at ceilings and seeing yourself not have sex. “It’s gotten so I can’t even look at my ceiling anymore,” you tell your wife. “I used to love my ceiling. I could always...
Tell Your Girlfriend You're Worried You Might Be A...
“What makes you so sure?” she’ll ask. You’ll shrug and say, “Just trust me on this.” Then tell her to chain you to the couch when the full moon hits. On the night of the full moon, your girlfriend will chain you to the couch, then she’ll sit and watch you. “How do you feel?” she’ll ask. “Okay,” you’ll say. Then...
Your Wife Wants To Know Why You've Been Secretly...
She found the tapes and the camera you installed outside the skylight in his bedroom ceiling. She wants answers. “Our son is very charming, right?” you tell her. She agrees. “He’s one of the most charismatic people I’ve ever met,” you tell her. “That’s probably why he has so many girlfriends, yes?” Your wife agrees again, but is growing...
Your Behavior At Your High School Reunion Could...
Tonight is your 25th high school reunion and you�re going back to your alma mater as a minor celebrity. You�ve built a nationwide supermarket chain that has grown more successful with every year, and you�ve appeared in all of your commercials, tying your face and your name to the chain. When you see your old high school friends tonight, they�ll all be excited to have a drink with the face of...
Get James Garner's Character In "The Notebook" To...
Today, if you see James Garner’s character from the movie “The Notebook,” get him to a Blockbuster fast and make him rent “Memento.” “Well, I’ll be damned,” James Garner’s character from the movie “The Notebook” will say. “That just might work.” “Hell yes it’ll work,” tell him. “Now get back to...
True Lava Always Day!
You went to Hawaii on your honeymoon and as luck would have it, a volcano erupted and killed your husband. He got caught in a shower of lava and he turned into one of those lava people who get preserved as an ashen sculpture in the exact position where they were standing. You kind of hate going to visit him on that pretty hill, because of all the people who got preserved by lava there, your...
The Chairman Had An Accident Day!
Today, while speaking to investors during the quarterly state of the company conference call, you’re going to crap your pants. Everyone listening in on the conference call will hear the sound of someone crapping their pants and speculation will run rampant as to whether or not it was you and whether you crapped your pants because you saw a statement of losses the company has been hit with. ...
You Never Read The Bible Day!
‘And then Moses said, I’d rather be fishing,’ you tell your bible study class. ‘And then the most majestic fishing rod appeared in his hands, and Zeus and Pegasus and King Arthur started applauding and saying, ‘Go catch a big one, Mo.’ Leon, the most Jesus-y in the class, slams his fist on his desk and shouts, ‘What you know about the bible I could fit on...
You Dig Bearded Ladies Day!
Today you’re going to sneak onto an empty cargo car on the train that’s carrying the traveling circus to their next stop three states over. You’ll settle in on a bale of hay and try to get some shut-eye, but then a bearded lady will come into the car with a flashlight. One look at the thick beard on her face and you’ll fall head over heels in love. ‘Another...
Push Your Way Hot Baby Son Into Child Modeling...
‘But I don’t wanna model,’ your son will tell you. ‘I wanna play little league!’ Tell your son little league will let in any number of ugly bastards who know how to swing a stick. ‘But you got the goods,’ tell him. ‘You’re unbelievably hot, and you shouldn’t waste it standing out in left field where you’re nothing but another...
Dermatologist Appointment With A Happy Ending Day!
The first time your dermatologist offered you a handjob, you were thrown. “I’ve got a good practice here,” she said. “But the HMO’s make it next to impossible for a doctor to make over $400,000 a year. Anyway, gimme 75 bucks and I”ll finish you off.” You argued that most massage parlors charge far less, but your dermatologist countered that she knows a...
You're From The Ocean, She's From The Red States...
Arguing with her has grown so frustrating that lately you just try to keep your mouth shut. She talks about where she grew up and the way her parents used to talk as if she had no choice but to believe the exact same things. “You don’t know what it was like,” she’ll say. “You grew up amongst the coral and all those luminous plants.” “Oh so because...
