February 2007
20 posts
Gawker Stalker Day!
Today you’re going to spot George Clooney on the street. In the middle of the street, to be exact. He’ll be standing in the middle of a very busy street, sobbing into this hands. Traffic on both ends will come to a halt. The drivers of the cars two and three lengths back will honk their horns incessantly, but the drivers of the cars at the front will keep their horns silent. ...
Quicksand Day!
You got a really good deal on your apartment. It’s a nice size in a great location, and it gets a lot of sun in the morning. The only catch is the large pit of quicksand in the center of the living room. “I can’t have any cats,” you tell people. “Learned that the hard way. Also, I have to keep a lot of long tree branches and bamboo rods around the house, and that...
Judy's On The Rebound Day!
Judy’s on the rebound, and tonight, you’ll do. “Don’t talk too much,” Judy says. “Just pay for drinks and touch me where I say and you’ll do just fine.” Nod here. “You’re not Brian and you never will be, so don’t even bother trying. Now buy me vodka.” You obey. At the bar, you wonder who Brian could be and why it ended. ...
Buy Some Beer For A Teen Day!
Today when you go to the liquor store, a teenager will approach you at the entrance and he’ll ask you if you can pick up a six-pack for him and his friends. “We’re all underage,” he’ll say. “But we wanna get drunk and have the time of our lives.” Say, “Well, you will need alcohol you’re right about that.” “Is it as awesome as they...
Your Real Dad's Just Not That Into You Day!
You ran away from home to go live with your real Dad because your new step-dad won’t stop trying to win you over with big stuffed bears and new mopeds. “He’s trying too hard,” you’ll tell your real Dad. “I hate that.” “But when I ran off when you were four,” he’ll explain, “It’s because I knew I didn’t want to raise...
You Like To Suck On Icicles Day!
Ever since you were a kid, you’ve always loved to break an icicle off of an awning and suck away at all that frozen winter. Unfortunately, you used to be a cranky school teacher and many of your old students have waited a long time to get back at you for being such a sourpuss and giving out so many detentions. They’ve been looking for ways to get back at you for many years. Last...
You Like To Heckle People While They Have Sex Day!
Ever since you blossomed into womanhood, you’ve never been so sexually gratified as when you get to watch other people have sex and tell them how crappy they are at it. You have to spend a lot of time posting and maintaining your casual encounters ads on Craig’s List, but you usually get a response at least once every two weeks. It’d be nice if you could find a couple who would...
Missile Time Day!
Today, write a children’s book that begins when the missiles are in the air and the world has seventy-seven minutes left before obliteration. The kid in the book then spends the duration of the story asking his Mom if he can do all the stuff he was never allowed to do before and she lets him because the end of the world is coming. Mommy may I climb the big oak tree outside? Yes you may...
You And Your Social Studies Teacher Drive Over A...
You’re twelve and she’s thirty-eight, but love don’t care. Your parents called the police on her, so she hopped in her Mazda and drove past your place honking the signal for you to climb down from your window with a packed bag. You’ve been on the run from the law ever since. All because you’re in love. (And you murdered a storekeeper’s family during a holdup...
Desert Men Day!
Today you’re going to drop out of society and wander the desert. After wandering for a while, you’ll start to meet some other men who had the same idea. Except you’re dropping out because you’re sick of writing ad copy. They all dropped out because they didn’t want to raise their kids or pay child support. “So I chucked it all and went into the desert,”...
Fishing With Mom Day!
Your Mom is going to take you on a fishing trip today. “I realize since I drove your Dad away when you were two, you never had no Daddy to take you out fishing,” she’ll say. “So I figure let’s do it today and you can get it out of your system.” “But I’m 33,” you’ll say. Your Mom will tell you to just shut up and get some rubber pants on....
Evil Superstar Chef Day!
Today you are an evil superstar chef with six hip Manhattan restaurants offering your menus and surviving on your reputation of making delicious food whilst being supremely evil. Your evil deed for the day will be a phone call reporting your dishwasher as an illegal to the INS. You force all of your dishwashers to have sex with you or risk being fired and/or deported. What you don’t tell...
JennyFest 07 Day!
You want to show Jenny how much you love her, so you’ve organized an all-day music festival in her honor. The trouble is, you don’t know how to organize music festivals. You figured this would be a point in your favor, since if you were Ron Delsener of Ron Delsener Productions or some other asshole who puts on big shows all the time, it wouldn’t be that big a deal to hold a...
An Australian Man Is Making Love To Your Wife Day!
At this very moment, an Australian man is making love to your wife. They’re in your bed. She’s naked and on her back, and he’s wearing only a snakeskin vest. Your wife just shouted “yes” and the Australian man just said “Crikey,” which means, “this sex is excellent.” They met when your wife was pulling out of the supermarket and she saw him...
An Abortion Debate Ruins The Pizza Party Day!
Today’s weekly pizza party is going to devolve into a battleground for angry rhetoric when someone brings up abortion and how it should be kept legal, and someone else responds with a chortle and an accusation of Godlessness. “Guys, let’s just eat pizza,” you’ll plead. But it won’t work. The delicious pizza pie will be no match for their anger. When you came...
Tuxedo Man Day!
Today your boss is going to fire you because you wear a tuxedo to work every single day. “Are you interviewing?” he’ll ask. “To be a maitre’d or a ballroom dance instructor or something?” “I love my job,” you’ll tell him. “It’s just that I was starting to have trouble breathing because it felt like every day I was just a little...
Your Robot That Carries Drinks From The Kitchen...
Thanks to the miracles of science, you now have a Cocktail Robot that carries drinks from the kitchen into the living room, and it only cost you eleven thousand dollars. It will even sometimes gather your empty glasses and bring them back into the kitchen, though it doesn’t know the difference between “empty” and “still working on it” just yet. It also doesn’t...
You Are A Serial Killer With The Hiccups Day!
Every time you’re hidden away in the perfect little nook and you’re about to kill some naked teens, the excitement makes you breathe faster and you end up getting the hiccups. The teens hear the noise and they race into their clothes and take off running. This sucks in a big way because, ideally, you’d like to make just a small noise that makes the teens put on towels or pants...
Red Light Day!
Your boyfriend left a week and a half ago. He left in the middle of the day while you were at work. All he took was one small bag of clothes and his car. The note was brief and heartbreaking. I’m sorry. I thought I could do this but I can’t. It’s best to just forget about me. You didn’t detect that there was anything wrong in the slightest. In fact, you and he had...
Dig Up The AIDS Meteor Day!
The stories that we�ve been fed about the origin of the AIDS virus were all manufactured by the government to hide the truth about extraterrestrials from us. AIDS was created by aliens and they infected a meteor with it and sent the meteor to Earth. Anyone who fucked the meteor got AIDS. It just makes sense. The meteor landed in 1977 in the backyard of the house you just moved into. The guy...
