November 2007
19 posts
The Monster Who Lives In The Couch Day!
Remember that old tale that parents told their kids to warn them from collecting too much loose change? The one about the guy who loved finding loose change so much that he spent days and days rooting under the cushions of the couch collecting coins, and he was down under the cushions so long that one day four fat people came by and they didn’t know he was there so they sat down on the couch to...
Fire Drill Day!
One of the old ladies in your building let a Christmas candle set her drapes on fire. The firetrucks are pulling up and everyone is running down the fire escape. You watch a few people descend the fire escape past your window. You sit on your bed, considering whether it’s worth it to follow them or sit there and burn to death. Most of the time, you’re pretty sure that when people die in a fire...
Wear an Electronic Monitoring Collar Around Your...
Your girlfriend has been getting suspicious that you’re cheating on her because you are. You need to do something to make her feel more secure. Why not agree to wear an electronic monitoring collar around your neck. “But I don’t want this,” she’ll say. “I just want to believe that I can trust you.” “And I’m demonstrating that you...
Make Your Son Smoke A Whole Pack Of Cigarettes In...
You just found a pack of cigarettes in your son’s bag and you know just how to get him to never smoke again. Sit him down and tell him that he has to smoke the entire pack in one sitting, while you watch him. Your son agrees, and then the two of you spend the next several hours just sitting there across from each other in your living room. Eventually, you can’t help it but one of you starts...
Chatty Airplane Neighbor Day!
The guy sitting next to you on the flight from Portland, Oregon to New York City is a bit talky. You need to send him some signals to let him know that you’d like your privacy. Try body language. “I can hear you now,” say to him. Then stick a knitting needle in your ear until blood pours from your punctured eardrum down your neck. “I can’t hear you now.” If he keeps talking, slam your head...
Kids Are Huffing Inkjet Cartridges Day!
They’re thirty-eight bucks a hit! But all across the country people are finding their printers out of ink because their kids are ripping the cartridges out of them and heaving the fumes into their lungs to get a high that will make them feel like Jesus’ first orgasm. Guess what. The printer companies won’t do a damn thing about it. Their profits are skyrocketing because the only thing that’s...
Your Son Wants To Cover Himself In Gold Body Paint...
“Like Tommy Lee Jones in the movie ‘JFK’, during the gay orgy scene” he says. You ask him why he wants to look Tommy Lee Jones in the movie ‘JFK.’ “I’m in high school and I’ve been trying to come up with a look that helps me to stand out and announces my identity, and when I saw Tommy Lee Jones in gold body paint I thought, ‘That’s what I’ve been missing,’” he says. You know you’re supposed to...
Parents Groups Are Turning Against You Again Day!
Your latest invention is not being warmly received by parents. You pitched it as the answer to parents who want to keep their teenage kids from going places they’re not supposed to go when they’re out at night unsupervised. It’s a small, plastic charge that gets inserted via the teen’s nostril and it’s connected to a map of neighborhoods that are divided into green and red zones as designated by...
You’re The New Rob Schneider Movie Day!
Today, you are the new Rob Schneider movie called “Dr. Fux.” You are about a Doctor named Dr. Fux whose last name sounds like the word “fucks” but it’s spelled differently. When the characters who appear in you hear the name “Dr. Fux,” they think the name is spelled “Fucks” and that leads to lots of misunderstandings involving small animals who go out of control. At the end of you, everything...
Watch “The Day After” With Your Kids Day!
Play your old videotape of nuclear terror TV movie “The Day After” and sit with your arms around both your kids as the low production values scream across the TV screen. At the end of the movie, say to your kids, “That’s what was scary to me when I was a kid. Was it scary to you guys?” Your kids will shake their heads no. “Well what scares you then?” “Mom leaving us,” they’ll say. All three of...
You Just Went And Set The Carpet Underneath Your...
“What did you just do under there?” your cubicle mate will ask. You’ll place the lighter fluid, matches, and sunflower seeds (you chew them when you’re nervous) on your desk and you’ll turn your big wide eyes towards your cubicle mate. “Ohhhh I done did it,” you’ll say. “I really done did it.” The smoke will be rising now and your cubicle mate will shout that there’s a fire and...
One Day You’re Going To Make A Spring Break Comedy...
Today after the senior talent show, when your short film, a tone poem put to celluloid, is greeted with a chorus of boos and building chant of “Ho-MO! Ho-MO! Ho-MO!” you’re going to be dragged out back behind the bleachers and beaten to a bloody mess then left face down in a puddle of mud. Your tormentors will walk away laughing with joy. You’ll stay put. You’ll spy a worm struggling to get...
Disaster Recovery Notification Plan Day!
Your office just created an Disaster Recovery Notification Plan, which is basically nothing more than a phone chain so that if there’s a nuclear war, each person in the office will call the next person in the phone chain and tell them they have the day off. In the first draft, you were supposed to call Kevin, who was supposed to call Rita. You have a big crush on Rita and you hate the thought of...
Briefs Off The Clothesline Day!
All of your underwear is going missing. Your Hanes White Cotton Pocket-Front Men’s Briefs. They’re being stolen off your clothesline when you hang your laundry to dry. There’s a perv out there somewhere who digs men’s briefs. Today after you hang your laundry you’re going to wait in a bush with a shotgun so that you can kill the bastard who’s running off with your undies. Not long after the...
Just You And The Fuckin’ Angels Day!
Your wife is out of town this week on business, which means you have the house all to yourself. Or at least you would. If it weren’t for all the fuckin’ angels wandering around whining about what it’ll take for them to get their fuckin’ wings. They won’t shut the fuck up and it pisses you off. You’re supposed to be watching porn or sports while your wife’s away but you can’t because an...
Your Ex-Husband Parachutes In Day!
You and your new husband will be walking across a beautiful flat field of short, bright green grass and many flowers when a man in a parachute drops to the ground not thirty feet ahead of you. He’ll gather his parachute for a second and then he’ll catch sight of the two of you and pause. “Anna?” he’ll ask. You and your new husband will go to him. He’ll remove his goggles and you’ll see it’s your...
Pube Omelet Day!
Your son was sent home with a painting that he did in art class that you have to sign to prove that you looked at it. It’s a painting of an omelet on a plate with curly little hairs sprouting all over it. It’s title, PUBE OMELET, is written along the bottom of the painting with little flames rising from the letters. The plate holding the pube omelet also holds some potatoes and a little sprig...
Spy Vs Spy Day!
You started spying on your wife to see whether she is drinking again and you found out that coincidentally she hired a spy to spy on you to see if you’re a spy with the government and she never knew (she realized she never checked that out). You aren’t a spy for the government, you’re just a dentist, but since you were spying on your wife her spy saw you doing spy stuff so he came back to your...
Looks Like Your Mom Is Going To Go And Follow...
Your Mom is a huge fan of the band Incubus. She’s not just into the music, she digs the fan culture that’s grown up around the band. There’s apparently a society of Incubus fans that travel around the country in their Ford Escorts and their Hondas partying in the parking lots before heading into the stadium for upwards of 70 minutes at a time of emotive hard rock from their favorite band ever....
