January 2007
22 posts
You Don't Know Anything About Airplane Safety Day!
Today you’re going to try to fake your way through an airplane safety seminar because you are pretending to be an FAA Safety Inspector. “When the hatch is opened while a plane is in flight, it makes all the light bulbs burst. Light bulbs are very fragile and they can’t handle the pressure,” you’ll stammer. “The two main causes of death when someone opens the...
You Used To Fuck Him When You Worked At Kinko's...
It’s always awkward when you bump into someone you used to fuck when you worked at Kinko’s. You’ll usually see him at a bar or some other nightspot and he�ll always come on really strong really fast, hoping for another shot. You try to brush him off but he keeps pushing and you end up having to explain, “it was just a Kinkos thing.” “We were underpaid. The...
Spill Your Life Story Day!
“And that’s when I met my Dolores,” you’ll tell the burglar. He’ll be sprawled out on the kitchen floor, the blood spurting out of his neck forming a puddle all around him. He didn’t stand a chance against Teddy, your Doberman. Teddy is hovering over the burglar while you tell him your life story. “She was a taxi dancer at the Beltway on 72nd,”...
Bubble Bath Street Day!
Today when the rain is at its heaviest, a Bubble Bath Truck will swerve to avoid a pedestrian and it will overturn on its side right outside your apartment. The tank of bubble-bath will capsize and thousands of gallons of bubble bath will leak out into the sheets of rain. Within minutes, your entire block will be covered in bubbles ten feet high. All of your neighbors will run outside to play...
He Works In A Morgue Day!
You’ve been dating a boring boy that you don’t like, but he works in a morgue. You’ve continued seeing him in the hope that one day he will take you to the morgue and show you some of the dead bodies. You’ve seen dead bodies before, at open-casket funerals. You just want to see some more. It’s not like after you’ve seen one dead body the experience grows...
She Loves You Too Much Day!
Your girlfriend broke another one of your ribs. When she comes to your hospital bed, tell her she needs to control herself. “What the fuck!” she’ll argue. “Can I help it if I love you enough that I always end up squeezing the shit out of you? Jesus, now I’m getting shit for loving my man. Fucking hell.” In her anger, she’ll throw a chair against the...
The Big Poker Game Day!
Tonight at the big poker game, things will get out of hand and when you bet your solid gold watch, Manny will see you by betting his seventeen year old son, Nicky. You’ll win with four jacks. “I’ll bring him over on Saturday,” Manny will say. “Now, Manny,” you’ll say. “I had my watch ready to hand over. Go get your son. I want him in my...
You Really Want To Teach Those Little Girls How To...
Six months ago you were staying up for days on end in your cell because you heard the White Supremacists were looking to firebomb you while you slept. If someone told you back then that today the most important thing in your life would be whether or not a bunch of pre-teen girls win a stupid dance recital, you probably would have slit his throat from ear to ear and then cut his tongue out of his...
One Of Your Movers Is Heartsick Day!
The move out of your apartment went well enough. It’s the move into your new place that will meet with a snag. On around their third trip up, the head mover will drop a box in the middle of the living room floor, and he’ll slump over the edge of the box and burst into sobs. The other three movers will gather around to place their hands on him and tell him it’s going to be...
Your Boyfriend Is An Expert Juggler Day!
He can juggle up to five small items at once. It is very impressive to children and simpler adults. “Leave him,” your therapist says. “People learn to juggle when they feel the need to maintain various deceptions. More often than not, a man who knows how to juggle has a secret wife and kids hidden someplace.” “It’s a way to make himself less...
Crawl Under The Covers And Get Drunk Day!
Today’s the day for some “you-time.” A special day when the world at large shows up at your door and gets turned away by the big, bold DO NOT DISTURB sign at the door. The office is closed temporarily. The doctor is out. In honor of absolutely nothing, this tiny little apartment will be dark for the day so that its occupant may curl up cozy in bed underneath a big thick pile...
99 Pushups Day!
You’ve been doing one hundred pushups every morning for the past 39 years. Today, do only 99. When you get up from the carpet, you’ll find that your house is a run-down shack and the idyllic town in which you’ve lived all of your life is impoverished and there’s graffiti everywhere. “All over the place,” you’ll whisper to yourself as you take in all of...
You Make Jews For Jesus Give Up Both Day!
You have a very specific look. Not only are you devastatingly beautiful, but you also give people the sense that you’re spiritually gullible. This makes you a prime target for representatives of Jews For Jesus when they’re handing out their poorly illustrated pamphlets on the outskirts of parks (the city won’t let them in parks anymore). This is also why people are finding...
Dangerous Toys Day!
You’ve spent the last thirty years being the top American manufacturer of the kind of unsafe knockoff toys that are only sold in 99-cent stores. Chinese and Korean manufacturing behemoths have made it harder and harder for you to stay in business, but you keep going. Because you still remember a time when Americans were able to buy cheap, harmful toys that were MADE IN AMERICA. Today...
You Can't Join The Carpool Program Day!
You testified against a mob boss a few years back and now you’re in the witness protection program with a pretty stable job selling information technology products that you don’t quite understand, but your days on the streets taught you enough to know how to close a deal. The only problem with your job is that the company has been aggressively pushing its carpooling program, and...
Huff Buddies Day!
You met this girl Tara back when you were huffing paint and you fell in love. The two of you spent a few months huffing paint and then screwing in alleys. Eventually, you both got kind of worn out and all you wanted to do is huff paint. Then you lost track of each other because you both huffed enough paint that you got too stupid to remember when you were supposed to meet each other or where. ...
Someone's Got To Do Something About All The...
You love everything about your new baby except for all the garbage she generates with her diapers and all the paper towels you use to clean up her spills. You’ve always been ashamed of your garbage, refusing to toss it all into the communal bins in the basement for fear of people judging you by your copious waste. It actually got to the point where you started to resent your daughter for...
It's Been A While Since You Saw Her Day!
You’ll be working the register at your luncheonette when a girl you went on a couple of dates with three years ago is going to stick a gun in your face and demand that you give her everything in the drawer. “Marcy?” you’ll ask. “Is that you?” “How the fuck do you know my name?” she’ll bark. “Who the fuck is that?” her burly...
Warn Elementary School Children About What's In...
You’ve spent the last few years giving “Scare Assemblies” at elementary schools. It’s a pretty good circuit. The pay is limited by school boards, but in the past decade it’s been voted up to a pretty good sum since parents have been demanding that schools shell out more money to scare their kids away from more stuff. The key to making a living is to choose a topic...
Airport Girlfriend Day!
For the past four months you’ve been emailing with a girl who lives in Europe. You tell your friends that she’s your girlfriend, but they don’t believe you. So you sent her $700 to fly in today and prove to your friends once and for all that she’s real. Gather your friends by the gate and warn them not to be dicks. “I mean it,” tell them. “If you guys...
Flags Of Our Fathers Day!
Your father was never in a war. The military didn’t want him because he walked funny, like a gay chicken, and though he was never diagnosed with a physical infirmity, his way of walking was enough for the draft office to send him home. “But I want to raise a flag on a foreign beach, like those guys!” he shouted to the man looking for kids to send to Viet Nam. “Maybe you...
Nametag Day!
Today, at the Superfresh, when your cashier asks you whether you’d like anything else. Say to her, “No, that’ll be all.” Then take a pause to look at the nametag on her breast, and add, “Sarah.” The cashier will smile. “Actually, this isn’t my nametag. I borrowed this from somebody because I left my nametag at home. But I appreciate you taking...