December 2006
21 posts
Underdog Day!
Nobody thinks you can win the big game because you just got hit by a car and you’re lying in the street with a broken back and dilated eyeballs. You’ve got them exactly where you want them. You’ve got them underestimating you. They’re all watching the blood puddle underneath your head and they’re thinking, “No way can he take us to State.” That’s...
Be A Surrogate Mother Day!
Working at the Store 24 sucks it. So why not let a rich dentist pay you to get pregnant? You’ll get to move out of your sister’s living room and go and live in a nice guest bedroom in a big house in the suburbs. It will be kind of a drag to have the dentist’s wife hover over you and make you eat a whole lot of stuff that she read about. But you can get her to leave the room...
Carter The Unstoppable Unsolicited Massage Machine...
Your friend Carter is a little touchy. Not to say he’s overly sensitive. Though he could be. You can’t know who’s crying behind closed doors when the nighttime comes. No, to say Carter is touchy means that he likes to touch girls with whom he has not previously had intimate relations of any sort. Many of these are girls that he has wooed without success. Many others are...
The Van Full Of Baby Penguins Is On Fire Day!
But first… Happy Cruelty Day! is in stores today! Check out HappyCrueltyDay.com for details and excerpts, or click on the amazon link below to buy a copy. And when you go to the Amazon page, do your best to skip past the truly heinous review from Publisher’s Weekly and read the much nicer reviews just below it. And when you get a chance, post a review on the Amazon page yourself. ...
Escaped Prisoners Day!
Some inmates escaped from the maximum security prison up the road and they’re all downstairs in your basement raping each other and having a grand old taste of Christmas freedom. They’re holding your cat hostage (MR JUMBLEBELLY NOOOO!) and they warned that if you call the police, the cat gets it. They promised not to hurt Mr. Jumblebelly as long as you leave them alone to have fun on...
Snakefancy Magazine Day!
Ever since the launch of your pet-lover’s niche magazine, Snakefancy!, you’ve been getting kicked in the crotch on circulation by Catfancy, Dogfancy, even Tarantulafancy has a wider readership. It’s time to make some changes. From now on, no more cutesy photos of snakes leaning on remote controls so it looks like they’re watching TV. Starting today, the only photos you...
Welcome To The World Of Strep Throat Day!
She didn’t seem that sick when you met her at the bar last night. But when you wake up this morning, her side of the bed will be empty. There will be crumpled up tissues everywhere. You’ll look around the apartment for her, but no dice. She clearly split while you were asleep. You’ll try to shrug it off. This isn’t the first one-night stand you found yourself in, but...
Give Them Back Their Neighborhood Day!
You’ve been spending a few days in the basement of a sample home in a middle class Milwaukee suburb. The neighborhood would be idyllic except that it’s become overrun by teenage street gangs who crowd the streets all night smoking cigarettes, riding their motorcycles back and forth, and dancing in a ribald manner. The neighborhood crime watch tried to stand up to them, but they...
Reconstructive Surgery Day!
You have some extra money, so it’s about time you treated yourself and got your face surgically reconstructed so that you look just like a young Rutger Hauer. “I never really liked my face all these years,” you’ll explain to the doctor. “I look a lot like my Dad and man alive is he ever a son of a bitch!” The doctor will say, “I don’t want your life...
Jump Out Of A Plane Day!
You’ll be the first to jump. The girl you love who only sees you as a really close friend is supposed to be next, but the skydiving instructor is really cute so while you’re free-falling, they’ll start to do it. You’ll keep looking up trying to find the girl you love (but who only sees you as a really close friend) because you want her to catch up to you so the two of you...
There's A Senator At The Door Day!
There’s a United States Senator at your front door. He needs to use your phone. He caught a flat tire and his cell phone doesn’t work around here. “Think I could use your phone? You see I’m a very important man and I…” He’ll trail off when he looks in your eyes and suddenly forgets about the flat tire, and Capitol Hill, and whatever ridiculous bill he...
Toboggan Day!
You’re in a coma in a hospital bed because you and your wife tried to do it on a moving toboggan. You’ve been married for fourteen years now and things have been pretty terrible for the last two. Your wife has been pointing out all the fantasies and dreams that have gone unfulfilled, and yesterday she mentioned the toboggan. “We never boffed on a toboggan while it sped...
Create A New And Super-Powerful Fuck Spray Day!
Lately it seems like there’s a million new men’s perfumes that you’re supposed to spray on your body and when women breathe it in it makes them take off their clothes and get really violent. There’s AXE and there’s SLAP and there�s GOOMBAH and there�s MENTALLY RETARDED and there’s LET’S GO, THIS PLACE IS FULL OF ASSHOLES and of course, there’s the...
The Santa Who Wasn't Day!
Today, when your alarm goes off at 7 AM, you’ll take a second to remember why you set your alarm in the first place (the last time you had to wake up early was six weeks ago for a court date). You’ll spot the Santa Claus suit hanging on the back of your closet door and your heart will break. Your Uncle got you the job as a favor, and you need the cash since your unemployment runs out...
Girl With A Gun Day!
The plan was for Cecilia to get the cash from the teller and then to grab you from your wife’s side and take you hostage, announcing that if anyone tried to stop her she’d shoot you. Then you and Cecilia would race away to an airport in the next state and board a plane to Fiji, where you would live out your days together on the stolen cash. “I just can’t cast my wife...
Spoiler Alert Day!
Colonel Mustard in the dining room with the candlestick. That’s how the game of Clue you’re going to play tonight will end. You’ll win, because you just read this. Marcy Baker, the woman of the house (your car will have broken down on a snowy road and the Bakers will have kindly taken you in and invited you to spend the night since a tow truck won’t make it through that...
You Have Parasites Day!
You recently ingested something that you shouldn’t have (you found some lamb) and now you have parasites. Lots of them. They’re indestructible and they grow to be as big as cockroaches. Even though they’re eating away at you, you’ll actually gain weight because the parasites retain a lot of fat and they’ll get very heavy. Soon, they’ll grow so big that it...
The Orphans Got Loose Day!
There’s either a rat in your basement or an orphan got in. Ever since the orphans escaped from the orphanage last month, the whole town has been warned to keep their doors and windows locked tight and to call the police if you see any children you don’t recognize wandering around your house. They like to sneak into houses and pretend they live there and are part of the family. They...
Fishing Buddies Day!
Go fishing today with Ned, your fishing buddy, and he’ll try to take the relationship to a new level. “What are you doing?” you’ll ask. Ned will look down at the bottle of whiskey in his hand. “Havin’ a drink,” he’ll say. “You’re my fishing buddy, Ned,” tell him. “I have a drinking buddy. His name’s Pounder and he...
You Have A Very Specific Kind Of Telekinesis Day!
You can make people do cartwheels with your mind. That’s it. You can’t make inanimate objects fly around the room and you’re not able to set stuff on fire without matches. Your talents are limited to being able to look upon a person in your presence, and if you will it to be so, the person will do a cartwheel. Up until today, you will only use this ability on women who are...
Do What Joan Jett Does Day!
Today you should go to the grocery store and stuff a steak under the coat of your five year old son and walk out like that. You learned it from that Joan Jett movie with Alex from “Family Ties” playing the goody-two-shoes who thinks he could ever in a million years tell Joan Jett what to do. In the movie, she’s a broke rocker on tour with her kid and in order to bring home some...