November 2006
31 posts
Double-Decker Tour Bus Full Of Witnesses Day!
Today after breakfast when you stab your husband in the chest with a steak knife, a double-decker tour bus full of visitors to your fair city will have just stopped in traffic and the full to the brim second tier of the bus will be at eye level with your second floor apartment window. They’ll all turn to peek inside your kitchen just as you land the knife in his chest. They’ll gasp...
Shoot The Singer Day!
He’s held sway over your heart for far too long. With just a quiver of his voice around an unintelligible lyric, the singer has the power to cast you into a world where hearts that break can’t ever be healed, where people say goodbye before they should, where the only thing that makes any sense is when someone disappears. Just like a king with too much power, no one can expect to...
The Crackerjack Kids Day!
The Crackerjack Kids have been getting together to eat boxes of Crackerjack once a week for the past forty years. They’ve watched each other get married, divorce, climb corporate ladders and drop into pits of financial ruin only to climb back out again to find that nothing ever need be the definitive end of a man. And through all those years, the weekly meeting of the Crackerjack Kids has...
Consummate And Die Day!
Immediately after marrying the love of your life, a madman is going to trap the two of you in a pressure-controlled chamber and he’ll slowly suck the oxygen from the chamber until the two of you are dead. You need to breathe as little as possible so you have more time to figure out how to get out of there. The trouble is, you’re overcome with love for each other and you have been...
Happy Clown Beat Up Sad Clown Day!
Today in the ditch out behind the circus tent, Steve the Happy Clown beat up Maggie the Sad Clown. He beat her up pretty bad too. She’s going to sit out the next few shows. And Steve the Happy Clown is being brought up on charges. He won’t be coming back to the show before you pull up stakes and move on to Duluth. Which means…THIS IS YOUR BIG CHANCE! No more spending the...
You Made The Movie 'Deck The Halls' Day!
Today, you are the creator, screenwriter, director, producer and chief financier of the movie Deck The Halls, starring Matthew Broderick and Danny Devito. Additionally, for today only, you are Matthew Broderick and Danny Devito. Within the confines of these 24 hours, you are solely and completely responsible for the existence of a major motion picture about Christmas decorations. From you came...
Car Chase Day!
He�s chasing you because you�ve got his wife in your backseat. She�s trying to put her clothes on, but you�re weaving and swerving so much that she keeps getting thrown around back there. You�re driving naked. That�s what you were wearing when her husband pulled into the shopping center parking lot where you and her were doing it and he came running at your car with a tire iron. He shattered...
Marching Into The Sun Day!
Today the bus carrying a high school marching band to a competition in California will break down in the middle of the desert. The overweight virginal band-members will pour out of the bus and immediately succumb to panic under the blinding hot sun. The bassoon player will find a bush with berries and he’ll call his band-mates over and they’ll all quickly strip the bush of its fruit....
That Guy You Went Home With Last Night Gave You...
As far as you knew, he was just a nervous guy drinking alone on a Sunday night while soused revelers were partying all around him. You didn’t know he had been cleaning his basement earlier that day and when he reached behind the water heater he got bit by a raccoon. The warning signs were there you suppose. As the night wore on, his movements grew more and more jerky and he sort of started...
Happy Baby Your Butthole Gets Me So Hot If I Found Out It Had Previously Been Used As An Indian Burial Ground I’d Just Go Ahead And Move The Headstones Without Even Digging Up The Bodies If It Meant I Could Get Up There Faster Day! Today one of the kids you used to babysit is going to approach you in a bar and give you a very potent pickup line that makes it clear that not only does he not...
Fall In Love With A Prophet Of Doom Day!
You can see him standing on his street corner in sunshine and in rain, waving his sign to warn his neighbors of the coming end. He has a few different signs with varying copy. He picks which one to wave each day according to how he’s feeling that particular morning. If he’s feeling particularly generous, he’ll go with ‘Repent For The End Is Nigh.’ If he’s in...
You're Marrying The Wrong Guy Day!
Today your wedding will not be interrupted when the guy you should be marrying shows up and makes a big scene to stop the ceremony and convince you that you’re making a mistake. Instead, he’s going to wake up next to a girl he sometimes sleeps with when the two of them are both bored and wasted. He went out with some friends last night to try to take his mind off the fact that...
Shut Down The Factory Day!
Today you and some of those miserable hippie fucks you hang out with should go and shut down the factory. Just make a bunch of signs that say POISON and MURDERERS and STOP ASSASSINATING OUR OVARIES WITH YOUR WASTE. If you know what product the factory makes, make signs that read [PRODUCTS] = CHILD-FACE RAPE. Once you and the rest of the filthy hippie pieces of shit have all your signs...
Funeral For Your Forbidden Love Day!
You and Kevin fell in love even though you’re poor and Kevin’s rich. But Kevin’s parents wanted him to marry Bunny, a rich girl who was really boring but was at least Kevin’s Dad’s friend’s daughter. So she was vouched for and whatnot. It wasn’t a total cold-call. But still, you’re the one that he loved, so it was really hard for him to go ahead...
Funeral For Your Forbidden Love Day!
You and Kevin fell in love even though you’re poor and Kevin’s rich. But Kevin’s parents wanted him to marry Bunny, a rich girl who was really boring but was at least Kevin’s Dad’s friend’s daughter. So she was vouched for and whatnot. It wasn’t a total cold-call. But still, you’re the one that he loved, so it was really hard for him to go ahead...
Virgin Sacrifice Day!
You and your friends had a de-virginization race and you lost. So today you’re going to be ritually sacrificed. Rules are rules. ‘Isn’t there any other way?’ your mother will ask. ‘Sorry mom,’ you’ll say. ‘I couldn’t close the deal. As the last and only virgin in my social circle, I have to be lain upon an altar and have my arteries opened...
Virgin Sacrifice Day!
You and your friends had a de-virginization race and you lost. So today you’re going to be ritually sacrificed. Rules are rules. ‘Isn’t there any other way?’ your mother will ask. ‘Sorry mom,’ you’ll say. ‘I couldn’t close the deal. As the last and only virgin in my social circle, I have to be lain upon an altar and have my arteries opened...
The Mafia Wants A Piece Of Christmas Day!
Today you’re going to set up your trees in the parking lot, officially launching the Christmas season. Not long after you stack the last tree for display, the mafia will come into the lot and set all your trees on fire. Then they’ll tie you up in garland, stuff a Christmas ball in your mouth, and stick an angel to the top of your head with duct tape. They’ll tie you to a...
The Mafia Wants A Piece Of Christmas Day!
Today you’re going to set up your trees in the parking lot, officially launching the Christmas season. Not long after you stack the last tree for display, the mafia will come into the lot and set all your trees on fire. Then they’ll tie you up in garland, stuff a Christmas ball in your mouth, and stick an angel to the top of your head with duct tape. They’ll tie you to a...
You're Sick And Tired Of Being Jerked Around Day!
Tonight on your way home you’ll, remember that you need to pick up some kitty litter from the pet store. You’ll arrive at the pet store at 9:40 PM, but the store will have closed at 9, as it does every night. Because you are sick and tired of being jerked around, you’ll pick up a trashcan from in front of a neighboring building and toss it through the storefront window, which...
You're Sick And Tired Of Being Jerked Around Day!
Tonight on your way home you’ll, remember that you need to pick up some kitty litter from the pet store. You’ll arrive at the pet store at 9:40 PM, but the store will have closed at 9, as it does every night. Because you are sick and tired of being jerked around, you’ll pick up a trashcan from in front of a neighboring building and toss it through the storefront window, which...
Fundamentalist Starbucks Day!
Your local Starbucks is like a living room away from home for you. You love to go there and slip on some headphones and get lost in a good book, forgetting all about your two roommates for a little while. Your local Starbucks would be perfect if it wasn’t for the creepy church group that’s always hanging out there. They don’t preach to the other customers. They don’t...
Fundamentalist Starbucks Day!
Your local Starbucks is like a living room away from home for you. You love to go there and slip on some headphones and get lost in a good book, forgetting all about your two roommates for a little while. Your local Starbucks would be perfect if it wasn’t for the creepy church group that’s always hanging out there. They don’t preach to the other customers. They don’t...
Heaven, Room 103 Day!
Today you are going to be bludgeoned to death in a motel room. You only went there because a man you met at a truck stop told you he had some crank, and he said if you come back to his room with him the two of you could have a party. Even though ninety-nine percent of such encounters end in a bludgeoning just like yours, you never saw it coming. When you arrive in Heaven, the talking puppy at...
Heaven, Room 103 Day!
Today you are going to be bludgeoned to death in a motel room. You only went there because a man you met at a truck stop told you he had some crank, and he said if you come back to his room with him the two of you could have a party. Even though ninety-nine percent of such encounters end in a bludgeoning just like yours, you never saw it coming. When you arrive in Heaven, the talking puppy at...
Fuck Boat Day!
Four months ago, right when the papers on your divorce were finalized, you bought a ticket on the Fuck Boat, an orgy cruise of the Caribbean. You figured it was time for you to get back out there, and the brochure said that most of the Fuck Boat’s passengers are your age (55) or older. You were really looking forward to it. And then you got the call. ‘I miss you,’ your now...
Fuck Boat Day!
Four months ago, right when the papers on your divorce were finalized, you bought a ticket on the Fuck Boat, an orgy cruise of the Caribbean. You figured it was time for you to get back out there, and the brochure said that most of the Fuck Boat’s passengers are your age (55) or older. You were really looking forward to it. And then you got the call. ‘I miss you,’ your now...
You Just Inherited Millions From That Lonely Old...
Today a lawyer is going to come to your house and read you the will of that lonely old guy you robbed six years ago, the one who came into the bedroom while you were rooting through his drawers. You tied him up and he started talking a mile a minute while you were there. He asked you all sorts of questions about the modern world and you answered him honestly from your street-smart point of view....
You Just Inherited Millions From That Lonely Old...
Today a lawyer is going to come to your house and read you the will of that lonely old guy you robbed six years ago, the one who came into the bedroom while you were rooting through his drawers. You tied him up and he started talking a mile a minute while you were there. He asked you all sorts of questions about the modern world and you answered him honestly from your street-smart point of view....
Clip-On Ties Day!
Last week you went to a psychic and she told you to always wear clip-on ties. You told her that you only wanted to find out who you should make a play for at work, but she said the only thing she could see in your future is a need to wear clip-ons. You told her you wanted your money back and she said that in addition to the clip-on thing, if you ask her for your money back you’ll end up...
Clip-On Ties Day!
Last week you went to a psychic and she told you to always wear clip-on ties. You told her that you only wanted to find out who you should make a play for at work, but she said the only thing she could see in your future is a need to wear clip-ons. You told her you wanted your money back and she said that in addition to the clip-on thing, if you ask her for your money back you’ll end up...
