Today at the Taste of Italy festival, the butcher you’ve always had your eye on will be so distracted by your pretty face that he’ll accidentally chop off his thumb while chopping up sausage and peppers to make you a sausage and peppers hero. You’ll run and buy a sno-cone without any flavoring, then you’ll shove the thumb inside the sno-cone and hop inside the ambulance.
On the ride to the ambulance he’ll scream and yell about the pain and how if the thumb doesn’t get reattached his career will be over. ‘No one will buy food from a butcher with a missing digit,’ he’ll say. ‘It makes people think there’ll be thumbs and pinkies in everything I sell.’
You’ll tell the butcher not to worry, that if he can’t get his thumb reattached, you promise to take care of him. He’ll say you’re damn right you’ll take care of him since your pretty face is the reason he chopped his thumb off in the first place. You’ll sprinkle ice on his forehead and stroke his hair, all the while secretly hoping that they won’t be able to reattach his thumb so that you’ll finally have a live-in boyfriend.
After a marathon surgery, they’ll reattach his thumb and he’ll be overjoyed and excited to go back to his business. You’ll be happy for him, but heartsick for yourself. You’ll be shocked that it didn’t even mean anything to him that you would pledge to take care of him forever as penance for what anyone would see was an accident resulting from the butcher’s own carelessness. You’ll be furious with him and you’ll stay as far away from his butcher shop as possible.
After many months of eating terrible meat, you’ll finally return to his butcher shop. When he sees you, he’ll stop in his tracks. He’ll ignore all of the other customers holding numbered tickets and he’ll go straight to you. You’ll tell him to wrap you up a rib-eye for one. He’ll ask how you are and you’ll ask him why he cares. He has his store, his career, everything he wants. You’ll ask him again to wrap you up your steak.
He’ll cut you a piece of meat and package it up in a bag, then he’ll tell you that he hasn’t been able to stop thinking about you and that you’re more important than any stupid butcher shop. To prove it, he’ll chop off his thumb again and he’ll say, ‘You promised you’d take care of me forever.’
You’ll burst into tears of joy, then you’ll put the thumb on ice and rush him to the hospital to have it reattached. You’ll promise again that you will take care of him forever, but you don’t want him to lose his butcher shop because you were hoping to not have to work anymore once you find a fella.
Happy The Butcher’s Thumb Day!