October 2006
20 posts
The Butcher's Thumb Day!
Today at the Taste of Italy festival, the butcher you’ve always had your eye on will be so distracted by your pretty face that he’ll accidentally chop off his thumb while chopping up sausage and peppers to make you a sausage and peppers hero. You’ll run and buy a sno-cone without any flavoring, then you’ll shove the thumb inside the sno-cone and hop inside the ambulance....
Wear A Wire Day!
The police found out that you smoke marijuana (there are cameras everywhere, just like you always said). They made you a deal: you wear a wire and help them catch your dealer, or you go to jail for twenty years. You’ll talk it over with your wife. ‘They told me that if I go to jail, they’ll talk to some inmates and make sure that my jail-time is really hard on me. Lots of...
You Are An Aspiring Daredevil Day!
It’s hard to get up and go to your day job every morning when you know your time would be better spent trying to perfect the stunt where you light a brick wall on fire and crash a motorcycle into it. Keeping your eyes on the prize can be tough when you’re spending all day behind a desk answering phones and juggling the calendars for a bunch of multi-millionaire patent lawyers. ...
Tell Matt You Don't Want To Be His Accountability...
You and Matt met at a church group and you both expressed anger at how easily pornography can be accessed over the internet, and what a sad and lonely thing it is that so many people appease their sexual urges by visiting those sites. Matt suggested that you both install Accountability Buddy software, which is set up so that anytime one of you visits a pornographic website, your computer sends an...
Seek Investors Day!
That’s your last pair of panties. When you finally peel them off after wearing them during your morning run and while cleaning behind your refrigerator, as was requested, and you carefully fold the pair into a neat triangle, wrap it in tissue paper, and seal it inside the pre-addressed, postage-paid envelope, you will officially be on the brink of bankruptcy. You can only blame a poorly...
You Didn't Get Lucky Day!
Tonight at the opening of Wally’s Walls, your friend Wally’s new showroom for his custom wallpaper business, you will be stunned by the aggressive advances of a woman who is far more attractive than any woman who has seen fit to pull you into an embrace. ‘My name is Tara,’ the woman will say, ‘And the minute I saw you I knew you would be taking me home to your...
Convince The Sheriff To Let You Go Free Day!
Lotta people wanna kill me. If they find out you got me locked up in here they’ll kill you too. Just to get to me. Part of the job, says the Sheriff. I’ll suck your cock. No thank you, says the Sheriff. I know where there’s some gold. I’ll take you out there tonight and you and me can split it fifty-fifty. You can’t buy your freedom. Sixty-forty. You’re gonna...
Get The Fuck Outta Sugarbush Day!
Drive south. As fast as you can. She’s driving north and her trunk is full. The only thing you want right now is to get across the state line before she does. You don’t want to be in Vermont when she parks her car and lays claim to your husband. Twelve years ago you became an apprentice ski instructor. Your tenure as a teacher on the slopes was only meant to last a season. You...
The Contrition of the Power-Saw Salesman Day!
Yesterday a madman bought a power-saw from your store and immediately switched it on and ran out into the street screaming and grinding away at anyone who got in his way on the sidewalk. It’s not the first time this has happened, not by a long shot. But it’s not getting any easier to go out to the houses of the murder victims and apologize for selling the weapon that chopped up...
Boys Against God Day!
You just found out that you and all of your Catholic friends are going to go to hell for touching yourselves. Call an emergency meeting of teenage boys tonight to show the Pope who’s boss. ‘Gentlemen,’ you’ll say to the gathering of sixteen Catholic boys, all of them listening to you while playing their PSPs. ‘As I’m sure you’ve been made aware, the...
School Portrait Day!
You got raped by the devil after your ex-husband made a secret deal with some Satanists to get himself a promotion at his job (he writes e-cards for Blue Mountain) in exchange for granting demonic access to your womb. When the baby came out (you named him Corey), you were pretty pissed that he inherited Satan’s fugly eyes, but that was nothing a pair of color contacts couldn’t fix. ...
Concoct A Delightfully Mischievous Plan To Get...
You and your best friend Sarah are eleven years old and you’re both children of divorce. You’re both okay with it, but your Dad and Sarah’s mom and still recovering from their respective splits and frankly, you’re both sick of listening to your parents wailing alone in their bedrooms after they think you’ve fallen asleep. You and Sarah think you’d make great...
Do Not Sign For This Package Day!
Today, a package that you sent yourself will arrive via UPS. Do not sign for it. The UPS man will say, “What the hell am I supposed to do with it then?” Say that that is not your concern. He has taken responsibility for the package and you refuse to sign away that responsibility for him. The UPS man will say, “I worried this would happen one day.” Tell him, “Good...
Jesus Wants You To Sing 'Hot Blooded' By Foreigner...
Tonight at the Korean barbecue slash Karaoke bar, while the Karaoke DJ is searching for your song, make sure to give a shout-out to the man who made the whole night possible. ‘Whenever I get on stage I’m singing for just one man. The Lord.’ Explain to the waiting crowd of strangers that Jesus is the reason you’re there tonight, that he’s the reason you’re...
Burning Leaves Day!
‘Thank God none of us is responsible for nobody else,’ says Gary. Gary is one of your closest high school buddies. The other four are Benny, Steve, Martin, and Lou. All six of you are gathered around a pile of burning leaves and you’re drinking from cheap six packs, watching the smoke rise. ‘Thank God none of us ever tried to leave this town,’ says Steve. In high...
Go Hit The Singles Bars And Find Someone To...
She’ll be standing at the end of the bar, sipping from a vodka tonic. She’ll have sad eyes and a scarf that she’s taken off and folded up and it sits on the bar next to her coaster. Men will approach and ask her for her company and she’ll deflect them with silent grace. She’s looking at you though. After each man is sent packing, she looks again at you, her small...
Go To Your Nearest Sprint/Nextel Store And Bust Up...
In the back of every Sprint/Nextel store you’ll find about ten girls under the age of fifteen who have either been kidnapped or sold into prostitution. No one wants to do anything about it though because they all still have eight months left in their contracts. Also, Sprint/Nextel representatives have no qualms about locking the girls in the building and setting the place on fire anytime...
What A Great Blind Date Day!
Tonight, you’ll be amazed at how well your blind date is going. When you walk into the restaurant and spot him in his brown jacket and curly blond hair, the description he gave you, you won’t believe how hot he is. Then you’ll sit down and your conversation will turn intimate almost instantly. Not a few minutes will pass before you are sharing with each other the ways in which...
Gay Ghost Ship Day!
You have a sailboat but you’re not a very good sailor, so when a fog rolls in late this evening you’re going to get turned around pretty bad and you won’t know which way to head. You won’t have any choice but to hope that the fog lifts and you’ll be able to find land before not too long. All of a sudden a decrepit cruise ship will shoot up out of the water and bounce...
Learn Sign Language Day!
You’ve always had bad luck with women, so you decided to learn sign language. This way when you’re in a room with some deaf girls, you can watch them talk to each other and see if any of them say that they think you’re cute. The way you see it, deaf people always think they’re the only people who know sign language in the whole place, as is evident by how broadly they let...
