May 2013
1 post
Ask For A Raise Day!
Say, “Boss I think I deserve a little more than what I’m getting, okay?”
Your boss will tense up, getting ready for a tough negotiation. “Okay,” he’ll say. “How much money you want?”
Say, “Don’t want no money. I just want to be touched.”
Your boss will look unsure of how to counter-offer.
“You don’t want an increase...
Tell Your Dad He's Been Replaced Day!
“I met a boy,” tell him. “He’s everything you’re not.”
“Guess he’s not awesome then!” your Dad will say as you lift up your bags and walk out the door. He’ll run to the door, laughing, and yell at your back, “I said, guess he’s not awesome! Come on, that was awesome!”
You’ll keep walking to your new boy’s...
April 2013
4 posts
Fist Bump Day!
Today when you fist bump people it means you once heard your mother tell a friend of hers that she regrets having you.
“Don’t you love your offspring?” you heard the friend ask your mother.
“I think he’s okay,” your mom said. “But sometimes when the phone rings I imagine it’s the police telling me he got in a car accident and died, and I get a...
Ask The Barista Day!
You like that brown-haired girl who always sits in the corner of the coffee shop working on her laptop but you don’t know how to say what you feel so ask the Barista to say it for you.
“Instead of her name, write what I tell you on the side of her cup,” you say to the Barista. He is an angry person with a turtle tattoo on his left hand.
“What’s in it for me you...
The Bulbs In The Streetlamps Day!
Only one of your neighbors on the community board is still fighting you. Go see him today.
“I just want a month,” you tell him. “A single thirty days of red bulbs.”
“Too dangerous,” he murmurs. He didn’t even turn the TV off. You had to grab the remote and mute it.
“She loved red bulbs,” you say. “Her rose garden. Everyone marveled at...
March 2013
6 posts
499 Days Day!
Today you got into a car accident. You changed lanes without looking first and you sideswiped a guy. The two of you pulled over and exchanged information. You have a good insurance plan and you told him he should be fine.
“I hope so,” he said. Then he asked, “Why are you looking at me like that?”
You said, “I’m going to be murdered in 499 days.”
He...
You Just Left The Witness Protection Program Day!
The two of you sit watching the news. There’s a photo of you on the screen.
“I can change it.”
“No.”
You want to hear them say it. You want to hear them say that your life is in danger, that you aren’t a hero, or a villain. You want to hear them say that you’re just a living thing trying to stay alive.
“They keep calling me an informant. A...
You Just Came Out Of A Forty-Year Coma And You're...
There are news cameras aimed at you. Everyone wants to watch you learn about the internet.
Someone hands you a laptop.
“This is a personal computer,” they say. “Type something you want to look at.”
You type the words, Chicks peeing on guys’ buttholes.
“It’s magical,” you say as the search results scroll down the screen.
They suggest maybe you...
At First Sight Day!
You have your hand on the back of his neck when he first sees her. You’re walking him to the exit. When a kid gets suspended you have to stay with him until he’s through the door, then it’s his parents’ problem. So your palm is on his skin, feeling the heat of his neck, when he first puts his eyes on her.
When you got assigned a high school, the guy at the security agency...
He Fell Asleep In Your Sonata Day!
His intentions were good! He came to you to offer you his heart! And he waited on your doorstep for you to come home, he’d have waited all night if he had to! But he’d been drinking! And waiting was boring so he drank some more! He got tired and noticed your Sonata in the driveway so he climbed into the passenger seat to rest! While waiting for you! But you know how he has those night...
Pet Store Day!
Your mood was so cranky today that when you walked into the pet store all the pets committed suicide.
“Your ‘Say No To Life’ demeanor inspire my merchandise to bring about their own furry little ends!” the pet store owner shouted. “You’ll pay for those!”
You suggested that maybe the two of you could come to some other kind of arrangement. The pet store...
February 2013
9 posts
Your High School Love Is So Strong It Made Your...
You remind him what love is. He had your love once, with Denise. It was just as strong, he could swear it was. He watches you two walking around his school, the affection and desire you feel for each other is just a glowing force-field around you, like you’re walking inside a giant illuminated globe of love. He wants to be inside that globe again.
He’d become convinced that if Denise...
February Man Day!
Today, you’re February Man. No matter what challenges might face you, no matter what evil might be lurking in your city, waiting to do harm to your neighbors, you have the power to say, “Fuck it it’s February fuck you if you want me to do shit it’s too fucking cold Jesus how can this be the shortest month of the year I wake up every morning in pitch black darkness using all...
Walking Home, Listening To Some Songs Day
You have 90 blocks. Approximately seventy minutes. Time for approximately 12 to 15 songs that celebrate you having just said hello to your ex and his date.
It’s cold. The bones of your ribcage, you feel them all, each one colder than the next, like you’re nothing but skin wrapped around a fancy party’s ice sculpture. But you’re not getting on a bus or a train or hailing a...
New Netflix Category Day!
A new Netflix category just popped up in your streaming catalog. It’s called, “Movies That Aren’t Really Movies They’re Just Video Recordings Of You Doing Stuff You’ve Never Done.”
The first one is a three minute video of you riding a horse. You’ve never ridden a horse.
The next one is seventy minutes of you asleep in a seat on a zeppelin. That never...
Raised By Wolves Day!
You were raised by wolves since birth, and you’ve recently been rescued from the woods and now you’re in the process of being socialized to live with humans. For science.
No one can understand why you’re fighting them so much, and you can’t explain it since all you can do is growl and slash at people who get too close. Finally they call in another guy who was rescued...
Play The Bar Game "Just Me" Day!
“Who thinks they should have died in someone else’s place?” shout.
There will be a show of hands. Six or seven at least.
“Who says the words ‘It should’ve been you’ in the mirror every single morning?”
Another show of hands. Four or five.
“Who’s here solely to drench in liquor the part of the brain that remembers the year...
Jeff Died Yesterday The TV Show Day!
You are the star of a fun new show called “Jeff Died Yesterday.” The show takes place on the day after you died, and everyone is sad, some more so than others. Your Mom and Dad are very sad. Your younger brother Dan is a little sad. Your older sister Jen is not sad at all. Your friends aren’t sad at all either. They’re attractive and they’re trying to have sex with...
Wish Upon A Couple That's Breaking Up At Dinner...
When you see a couple out at a restaurant and they’re clearly in the middle of breaking up, go and stand next to their table, put one hand on each of their dinners, and make a wish.
It’s a guess-wish, in that you don’t really know if what you wish for is possible to come true. The way it works is you can wish for their future to be transferred over to you. The only wishes that...
The Boyfriend Your Dad Chased Away Day!
You still think about Dewey, your boyfriend from when you were seventeen, the one who made you feel as rare as a diamond, as light as a breeze, as free as a supermarket sausage sample.
You now know that you settled for your husband. As you grew older and you dated more men you gradually accepted that no one would love you with the strength that Dewey loved you, so you settled for less.
...
January 2013
16 posts
Telling People How Much They Hurt You Day!
Got someone in your life who is capable of hurting you more than you thought yourself capable of being hurt? Presently staring across a table at a lover or a spouse or just a sexual passer-by who can’t stop ripping up your heart and tossing it into the recycling bin? Today’s the day to let him or her (or them, polyamory is getting more respect every day) know how much power they have...
Apologize For Falling Out Of Love With Your...
“Sorry,” tell him. “Sorry I’ve grown.”
He’ll say he appreciates the apology, but it doesn’t make up for anything.
“I just wasn’t thinking,” explain. “For a long while there I was in love with you. Then I had a bunch of life experiences and learned new insights and new possibilities for who I can be. I knew letting all that stuff...
Anonymous asked: I have wanted to write you for a long time. I read every single post you have ever made and I love it all. I would buy the book, if there ever was one. I cannot believe not more people know about this. I am genuinely a bit a afraid that you will stop writing. - Sofie
In His Car Day!
Get in his car and let him drive you to his current girlfriend’s house. “That’s where she lives,” he says. “More rooms than anyone would know what to do with.”
You note that it doesn’t look like anything could ever go wrong in there. He confirms that nothing ever does.
“The promise of a girl who grew up in a house like that,” you say....
Quit Putting Off The Important Stuff Day!
You’ve been sitting on the couch all day long watching Netflix and dicking around on the internet knowing full well you have to get out into the world and bury your roommate’s dead body in a shallow grave before dawn (you two had a fight over the fact that you’ve been using his conditioner and things got out of hand so you stabbed him to death). This is always the way. Every time...
Wedding Vow Day!
You and Larry were always best friends. Ever since college, when you two would stay up all night long watching bad movies together. Or when you’d run to each other for a shoulder to cry on after a bad breakup, or a sympathetic ear after a terrible date.
After college you moved in together and spent a couple years living as roommates, but you were such close friends you might as well have...
If You Two Go Home Together Tonight People Will...
Go ahead. Go find an empty booth and talk to each other. Find out how much you both have in common. Find out how easy your conversation feels, how it feels like you’ve known each other for years. How it feels like you two intended to meet each other here tonight, almost like you’d planned it. Or someone did.
Go ahead and lean in for that first kiss. It will lead to a second. Then...
Your Dying Dad Wants To Talk About "Inception"...
It was on his hospital room TV last night.
“It was ingenious,” he says.
You nod and try not to say anything.
“So well thought out, the way it moved among all those levels within levels of consciousness,” he continues, rasping now.
Say, “I’m glad you enjoyed it.”
“And just a riveting action movie to boot,” he adds. “Maybe the...
Bottle Of Live Bees Day!
Your new roommate left a bottle of live bees on the kitchen counter with a note that reads, “This bottle of live bees is mine! No one should eat or otherwise make use of any of my live bees! I know exactly how many bees are inside and how deep the aerated cork is inserted into the neck of the bottle. Sharing a living space is about respect so please respect me and my bees. Also I threw out...
Your Cat Made Dinner Day!
Today you’ll be surprised when you come home to find a romantic dinner for two waiting for you on the table.
“Did you make this, Mr. Paws?” you’ll ask your cat.
“Yeah,” your cat will say. “I think I fucked up the sauce a little.”
“I’m sure it’s just delicious,” you’ll say as you take off your coat and sit down at the...
You Steal Coats From The Chair Backs At The...
Today you’re going to steal a sweet London Fog from the chair of a college student who headed off to the men’s room. You’ll be halfway across the reading room when you’ll hear, “Dad!”
You’ll keep walking. Calmly. Can’t be for you.
“Dad stop!”
No way that’s for you. Unless…
“Security, that man has my coat!”
A...
The Gambler Day!
They call you “The Gambler” because you just bet your child’s college tuition on roulette. You put it all on black and the spin came up red so you lost everything.
“My God what have I done,” you shout as you fall to your knees by the table.
A few people will take pity on you by throwing chips on the floor around you. You’ll grab at them and bet them on black,...
There's A Hidden Code In Your Daughter's Finger...
A Harvard art professor is in your kitchen aiming a black light at the finger painting on your fridge.
“Do you have any idea what this painting means?” the professor says.
“She’s very talented,” you say.
“We think she might be a prodigy,” your wife says.
The Harvard professor scribbles something in his notebook. Then he pulls some parchment out of his...
You're The Only Ones In The Restaurant Who Are...
All the other couples gave up the ghost hundreds of dinners ago. But the light still burns for you two. Everyone can see it in the way you offer each other fork-fulls of food to try, in the way you reach across the table to touch each other’s hands the minute the bus boy clears your plates for the next course. They can see their past selves in you and remember when they felt like you feel....
Be The Princess Who Remembers Where She Came From...
You were excited to be plucked out of poverty and away from your cunt step-sisters when the Prince saw how hot you were and fell in love with you. Once in the palace as his princess, though, you discovered just how little regard the monarchy has for the villagers and farmers who comprise their kingdom. You’ve tried to talk the prince into enacting more compassionate legislation but he...
Throw Everything Out Day!
Your possessions are disgusting and today’s the day to stop possessing them once and for all. Throw out all of your furniture, clothing, erotic figurines, human ears, and children that you own and start fresh with all new ones. No sentimentality! Understand? No crying about how you don’t have any money to replace everything. No complaining that a lot of the stuff your husband paid half...
December 2012
2 posts
God's Big Date Day!
God’s got a big date tonight with Diana, the girl who works at the magazine store.
“What should I wear?” God asks some saints.
They suggest the white robe. Then they tell him not to be nervous.
“Don’t be nervous?” God thunders. “I haven’t been on a date since Shannon.”
Shannon worked at Borders back before God caused them to go out of...
You Explain Divorces To Kids Day!
Divorcing parents pay you to come by and tell their kids that their parents are splitting up. You get a thousand bucks a kid. Today you’re doing the MacDougals. Two kids.
“Listen up,” you tell them while driving. You always break the news in your Cutlass. “Your parents are getting a divorce. Your mom fell in love with some guy she works with.”
They want to know what...
November 2012
6 posts
Anonymous asked: Why do webcomics have a page for each new comic, but webshortstories have all their entries in a single vertically-scrolling blog format?
Transfer Student Day!
The transfer student makes everything possible. You think it’s just a fresh start for you, but the transfer student represents a fresh start for the entire school. You’re the fresh eyes who never saw anyone crying through lunch, the fresh ears who hasn’t heard the thousands of derogatory nicknames those students have been wearing like nooses around their necks since elementary...
Family Road Trip Day!
Take a road trip with your family. Get your kids into the back seat and your husband in the front and hit the fucking road.
“WHY ARE YOU DRIVING SO FAST? IT’S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT! WHERE ARE WE GOING!” your kids and husband will shout. Tell them to shut their goddamn mouths or you’ll drive through a guardrail and into a gulch.
“Road trips are supposed to be...
The Lobby, 3:45 AM Day!
“Nightowl,” he says.
You look up from your book and smile a weak smile. “I just can’t stay in bed with my husband through the night,” you explain before returning to your book.
He should just go back to his work, whatever work a graveyard shift hotel desk clerk might have, but he’s not going to. He just got married and he wants to know if his wife does that....
He Cries More Now Day!
When you bump into him it’s the first time you’ve seen him in ten years. He looks the same.
“You look even better,” he says.
You do it at his place. He isn’t married, just like back then. He’s barely employed, just like back then. He’s still good in bed, just like back then. You tell him he hasn’t changed at all.
“I cry more now,” he...
Senator Outside Your House Day!
He’s in love with your daughter.
“She’s in college,” you remind him. “And you’re married.”
“Which is why I have to keep it a secret,” he says. “Up for reelection.”
Your daughter comes running outside and into the Senator’s arms.
“Now you know about us Daddy,” she says, kissing the Senator all over his face.
...
Who Dies First Day!
You and your boyfriend are playing Who Dies First, the fun game where lovers tell each other which of them they wish would die first.
You tell your boyfriend you wish you would die first because you could never wish for your boyfriend to die. You’d gladly go before him given the chance.
“I wish you would die first too,” your boyfriend says. You run from the room and don’t...
October 2012
10 posts
Your Wife Is Leaving You For The Superhero Who...
She was abducted by a super-villain and used as a human shield when the super-villian (calls himself “Irradiation Man”) snatched her from a crosswalk and pulled her to his chest just as the superhero (calls himself “Steel Aaron”) arrived for the big showdown. Steel Aaron managed to snatch her from Irradiation Man’s grip and fly her to safety on a nearby rooftop. He...
Dating A Sub Day!
You can’t do it. You can’t let it happen. You can’t date another substitute teacher.
“Been through this before,” tell him. “Promised myself never again. Full-time teachers only, tenured preferable. No more subs, no, no more.”
He’ll kiss you gently.
“Just like the others, they were just like you. Here today because someone teaching third...
Henry's Alive Again Day!
You’ve just gotten word that Henry is still alive all these years later, that when his car went off that cliff he wasn’t in it, that for one reason or another he needed you and everyone else to believe he was dead.
“Guess we need to get a divorce,” you say to your second husband, Brad.
Brad won’t be happy. “You don’t have to go back to him! He’ll...
You're All Out Of Love Day!
Explain it to your husband.
“I’ll keep hanging around and we can still have sex and stuff, but it’ll be totally physical. I’ll have empathy for you if you’re in pain, but no more than I would for a character in a movie.”
Your husband will shrug and go back to his model WWII plane. Tell your kids.
“I’m basically going to have as much interest in...
Steal The Hearse Your Best Friend's Body Is In...
Emma’s dead. Emma your friend, dead at 27. The two of you were supposed to stay friends as you grow old, marry, have kids, get divorced, mourn the kids that go before you, then die and be buried in the same cemetery. But now Emma’s dead and you’re still alive. She had a bad year and she got drunk and drove her car into a pole, and you’re still alive.
“I think they...
