February 2012
28 posts
Captain SpraySpray Day!
You’re a graffiti artist who has kept his identity a secret for years, except now you have a nemesis who wants to expose you. Today he kidnapped Maura, the girl you love but who doesn’t like you because she thinks you’re a house-painter and that you could never be a super-talented graffiti artist. He says unless you come forward and identify yourself as the super-talented...
Pool Party Day!
You weren’t invited to the big office pool party, so you climbed a tree to watch all your coworkers splash around in their bathing suits, enjoying their time without you. From your vantage point, you’ll see your coworkers swim, tan, drink fruity drinks, and sneak off to make out under the shade of the very tree in which you’re hiding, and the whole scene will make you feel...
You're A Kid Doctor Day!
You lost a patient today.
“I’m only twelve and a heart stopped beating while it was in my hands.”
Your hospital chief surgeon will tell you that you’ll get used to it.
“Excuse me,” you’ll say. You’ll step into an operating room and grab a scalpel to slit your own throat. The chief surgeon will stop you just in time.
“Why are you doing...
The Popcorn Factory Deaths Day!
Today you’re supposed to show up at the popcorn factory to commemorate the deaths that took place there two years ago which were your fault. You were making love with a delivery man while you were supposed to be watching the heating facility and the fires spread. You felt bad but the whole thing was shown to be an accident so you weren’t prosecuted.
You’re going to show up late...
Murdertown Day!
A greedy developer wants to buy out Murdertown and build a golf course. You guys need to raise some money.
“Car wash,” you’ll suggest, and everyone will start gathering buckets and sponges.
Cars will come from miles and miles, and before you know it, there will be a line stretching down main street of people waiting to get their cars washed. Unfortunately you and your townsfolk...
Can't Dance Can't Be My Boy Day!
You just snapped your leg at the knee. Shannon told you she could never go out with a boy who couldn’t dance, so you took classes. At first it was a hard road, then you broke through and started showing them something. Before long you were getting cast for touring companies, then summer stock, then out-of-towners, then Broadway, until finally you were the guarantee that a show would open and...
Round Noon Day!
You come in around noon every single day. “I’d like you to sit at the booth over there,” he’ll tell you. “See I handle the counter orders and my wife waits on the booths.” Tell him you like the counter. “My wife waits on the booths,” he’ll say. “It’s better that you sit over there.” You look at his wife, who is scowling at...
You Just Go Downstairs And Ask Him Day!
You say to him look I’ve noticed these 22 years that you’ve been down here living alone just I’ve been living alone in the apartment one flight up. I had my reasons for living that way as I’m sure you have, though I can’t remember what mine were, haven’t been able to remember for about the last ten. Anyway, tell him, I hear the records you play down here and I...
Apartment Tour Day!
The broker told you to go to the apartment. He’d already given the key to somebody to take a look, but if you get there in time she’ll let you in. “No.” “Good God.” Your ex-wife will be standing in the middle of the empty living room holding the key on its rubber band. “You’re back?” She’ll say, “I never left. I just…got into...
You Should Tell Him How You Feel Day!
No matter what you think is the right or proper thing to do, no matter who you’re presently engaged to or whether you think there’s better waiting for you, no matter if you think he’s entirely wrong for you and it’s not fair that your heart should make you feel so much for someone that shouldn’t even register on your radar, you should tell him how you feel.
“I...
The Ice Couple Day!
They finally unfroze you and you came to before she did.
“You’ve inspired so many with your love,” the scientist says. “Do you remember what your last words to each other were? Were they ‘I love you?’”
Say, “What’s going on? Where am I? What year is it?”
They’ll tell you the year, the location of the lab, the fact that you were...
Winning Home Run Day!
Today’s the day you hit the winning home run.
“Dad, Dad did you see me hit the winning home run?” you’ll shout to the stands.
“He’s gone,” the other parents will say. “He’s gone and there’s no point in finding him.”
Hold your bat threatening them.
“You tell me where he is. Whatever he told you, it’s not true.”
...
Dance Marathon Day!
It’s hour 20 in your dance marathon and it’s between you two and this other couple. You’re pretty sure you’re going to win because you smoked meth earlier, so that should keep you awake long enough to win the marathon. Whoops, you just fell down and died so you lost. This was for charity. Happy Dance Marathon Day!
There Are Only Ten Ways To Fall In Love Day!
Today there are only ten ways to fall in love. They are as follows: Number 10. You’re a doctor, he’s a nurse. After a long night in the ER, he drives you home while listening to the police scanner on his dashboard. When the dispatcher announces the address of a house fire you both look at each other and smile a smile that says, “Holy shit I finally found someone gets as turned on...
So You Live In That Mini-Van That's Always Parked...
She’s a rich girl and you just heard her scream inside her rich girl’s house. You run in her house and you pull a guy away from her, a guy in a rubber mask with a crowbar. Just a robber who didn’t think he’d be bumping into anybody and so he grabbed onto her while he tried to figure out what to do. You send him running. “So you live in that mini-van that’s...
Amnesiac Wife Day!
She hit her head and now she can’t remember that she loves you so the doctor is telling you it’s up to you to make her fall in love with you again. “No way,” tell him. He’ll say he understands. He guesses that if he were in the same situation, he couldn’t be sure that he wouldn’t take the opportunity to start fresh and marry someone new. “It’s...
The Alien Magician Died Day!
You were abducted by an alien craft several years ago and it’s been unbelievably boring except for the Friday night magic show put on by an extremely talented alien. It was astounding. Instead of the usual sawing a lady in half stuff you would see back on Earth, he would turn people inside-out or make hats come out of rabbits. His best trick was to make everything turn into dogs. You...
Dead Hanna Dream Day!
Dead Hanna is going to haunt your dreams tonight. “Yeah there’s treasure. It’s buried under the Maple Tree of my house. Yours.” Ask her why she’s giving you the information about her treasure when she was so popular and you’re just a nerd. “That one time in Chemlab when you were super-smart, I really understood that only smart guys could do right by my...
Death Bed Salesman Day!
You sell death beds because someone has to. People need to die somewhere and why not let their loved ones buy them a bed to die in that’s more comfortable than the ones in which they’ve lived for years. Your wife thinks differently.
“The only death bed in this town is the one him and I sleep in every night!” she’ll shout tonight to your customers.
“She’s...
The Boxer Marries Day!
You fought a dump fight, showed up as the piece of meat to be beaten by a contender with a shot. You got six grand to get hit stupid. Six grand to marry your lady. You’re at the altar waiting, staring out at what $5,370 can buy. You wanted to be someone she could be proud of. You wanted to be someone you could be proud of. Things change. You see the line between earning pride and getting...
The Guy Who Sells You Your Firewood Wants To Date...
He’s always seemed a little bit over-friendly, but he never had the nerve to say anything to you. So today instead of saying it out loud he decided to take a more covert approach. When you start loading your pieces of wood into the fireplace you’ll notice there’s some writing on one of them. It reads “Gay? Into me? Call me tonight.” Then his phone number. You’ll...
Your Diary Is Just Page After Page Of The Word...
You’ve tried keeping a diary but nothing that’s happened in your life is as interesting as titties. You’ve dated each page so you can go through all the big days of your life and realize that they just didn’t compare to titties. Your high school graduation: “Titties.” The day you met your biological dad and he asked you if you wanted to join his high-end...
Be The Father Of The Navy Seal Who Shot Bin Laden...
Today you’re the father of the Navy Seal who shot Bin Laden, and you resent your son because you never did anything memorable with your life. “Think you’re better than me?” say to him over dinner tonight. “Everything you have is cause of me. You got that?” “Yeah Dad,” he’ll say, playing with his peas. “Walk around like you’re hot...
Fistfight Over Leanne Day!
When you spot some random dude walking your old Corgi Leanne you run out of the bar to find out what the fuck. “I’m just helping out Sharon,” he’ll say. His name’s Mark. “She won’t be home in time.” “Yeah well you may get to fuck my ex-girlfriend, but you do not get to walk my dog.” Punch him in the face, then grab the leash and take off...
You Discovered Porn Day!
The news vans are parked on your lawn, waiting for your statement. “Where did you find the porn?” you’ll be asked by Tooty Tong from Channel 6. “Did you find it on a schoolteacher’s computer? Being projected on the wall of day care center’s basement? Did a priest pass it to you while you were in a confessional?” Tell her, “I found it on my...
So Beautiful You're Fired Day!
Today the sunset is going to get you fired. “Everyone come in here,” your boss will shout to the floor. You’ll all crowd into the conference room that faces west, looking out over the water. “Isn’t it beautiful?” your boss will say, referring to the sunset over the river. You’ll all silently take it in, until your boss says, “Pam’s fired. Pack...
Ben From That Bar Stool Over There Day!
He’ll say “I’m Ben. Ben from that bar stool over there.” He’ll point to a stool with his LL Bean jacket draped over it. “What is it, Ben?” ask him. Ben will say, “I just noticed that you’ve been here for at least four hours, and you’ve turned away every man who approached you with romantic intent. I just want to say that you’re not...
Be The Pyromaniac Everyone's Looking To All Of A...
No one in this neighborhood has ever appreciated your love and mastery of fire. Of all the thirteen-year-olds in your school district, you’ve set fire to more stuff than anybody, and you’ve done it efficiently, with maximum spectacle and minimal collateral damage. But they’ve only repaid you with juvenile court appearances, school expulsions, and parental disdain. Until today....
January 2012
31 posts
Be An Airline Pilot Who Can't Stop Thinking He...
Today you’re an airline pilot who can’t stop thinking you should have married Laraine, the woman you dated for two years just after college. Before every flight, you check the passenger manifest to see if there’s anyone named Laraine on board. Even if the last name isn’t the same, you assume maybe she remarried, so you walk through the cabin to see if it’s her. It...
National Heartbreak Day!
You run a website called National Heartbreak. It’s basically an electronic classifieds section that announces to its subscribers when a love has died. People go on National Heartbreak to announce their breakups, their divorces, their long-standing secret crushes that were confessed and found to be unrequited. You take their listings and post them on National Heartbreak, letting the entire...
Your Husband Was A Kidnapper For The Last...
You were just really scared to go down the basement, so you were more than happy that he would volunteer to go down there whenever something needed fetching. It’s not that you were trying not to find out that there was a steady parade of kidnap victims bound and gagged down there. You just really never had any reason to go down and find them. “Everyone thinks I’m stupid,”...
Be A Temperamental Florist Who Gets That She Goes...
When someone asks if you have a good assortment for funerals, say, “Jesus what do you think? I’m a florist for God’s sake. If people stopped dying I’d be out of business.” Then stop snipping stems, take a breath, and say, “Sorry. You’re bereaved, and I should watch my tongue. I just go overboard sometimes.” Then gesture to all the flowers as if they...
How The Mechanic Lost His Left Hand Day!
A sign is posted in the waiting room of the garage that reads as follows: How the Mechanic Lost His Left Hand The mechanic lost his left hand to try and frighten a woman he loved into not walking out on him. She had threatened to walk out on him before, but normally when he’d burst into tears and promise to drink less and work more she’d go along with it. This time she’d had...
Be A More Depressed, Less Hairy You Day!
Today you got word of a new prescription drug that makes you more depressed but less hairy. You decided getting rid of all your dark brown arm-fuzz was worth the yawning chasm of misery you’d be throwing yourself into, so you ran out to your doc and demanded the pill immediately. After three months on the pills, all your body hair will almost magically disappear, turning you into a smooth,...
Part It Down The Middle Day!
Part your hair down the middle today for the very first time in your life and you’ll walk outside to find a Mercedes in your driveway instead of a Hyundai. Drive it to work where you’ll find you’re the President of the company instead of a middle-management toadie. Check your bank account and instead of a negative balance there will be a very positive one, like seven figures...
She Found Out You're One Of Those Guys Who Throws...
You came home and half the closet was empty, nothing but bare hangers swinging on the rod. Her drawers had been ransacked. Her suitcases were gone. She clearly either took off in a hurry or someone made it look like she did. Part of you wants to call the police to report an abduction, but you’re worried that she simply found out that you’ve been cheating on her. Read the note she left...
Kill The Boy Day!
Don’t just break up with the boy, end his life. Stick a knife in his voicebox and be sure he’ll never use it to call you in the middle of the night and trick you into sneaking away with him for another long weekend of forgetting all about the life you’re trying to make for yourself. You’re a professional lady, career-minded and a smart-dresser, and you don’t need a...
Dad's Affair Day!
Leave your dad alone today. He’s sad because the woman he used to cheat on your mom with died. She was diagnosed two years ago. She called him last Spring and asked him if she could see him once more before she dies, but your dad refused. Even your mom said it’d be cool if he went and saw her. After all, they had a nine-year affair. Your dad was a big part of this woman’s life...
Stop Her Day!
She’s about to choose something besides spending the rest of her life with you because she wants to be practical so race to the airport or death cult orientation or whatever and tell her she’s making a mistake. She’ll decide you’re right and she should be with you because you made her laugh once. Within two weeks of the two of you being a couple start acting really cold...
Psychosexual Thriller Day!
Meet someone who may or may not be a killer but you don’t care because sex. When more bodies start popping up, get worried but also confused because is the sex getting better? Start to wonder if you’re the next body that’s going to be killed, or maybe you’ve been the one killing the bodies all along, though it really doesn’t matter either way because wow this sex is...
Ski Weekend Day!
You’re really excited to have been invited to go on a ski weekend with your friends Jeff, Sally, Maurice and Paula because you’re pretty sure that ski weekends involve everyone gathered around in a cabin exposing their deep emotional core to each other just like in the Alan Alda movie The Four Seasons. “Awwwww God sometimes I wonder if I ever felt a single thing,”...
Crossing Guard Who Can Tell When You're Going To...
The reason the crossing guard cries every time you cross the street is because you’re going to die before you turn 26 and she knows it. She gets visions of when and how people are going to die when they step into her cross-walk. Something about surrendering your safety into her hands gives her a window into your future to the moment when not even she can protect you. She knows you’re...
Looks Like They Found Your Papier-Mâché Sculptures...
When you pull onto your block you’ll see two police cars waiting outside your house. Your front door will be open and Kevin, your next-door neighbor, will be standing on your lawn, pointing at your house, irate. Looks like they found your papier-mâché sculptures of the family next door. Drive slow and savor these final few seconds of peace before you have to get out of your car and begin...
Mary Jane Day!
You and your friends like to smoke Mary Jane. At first it was just to be cool, then you started to get addicted. One thing led to another, and now you’re running a human trafficking ring solely to get your next fix. “I used to dream of growing up to become a great man. Instead I became a guy who forces innocent women into prostitution.” Take another hit of Mary Jane, then try to...
Travel Across The Country With Someone You Would...
Whether it’s because the airport got snowed in or you got robbed and don’t have any ID or credit cards or just because you have trauma induced amnesia after being in one of those New York City elevators when it ate somebody, today you’re going to travel across the country with someone you would never in a million years travel across the country with. Here are your options: The...
Plants And Rags Day!
Everything’s in boxes on a truck but you want to leave some evidence behind. She bought the ficus tree, the one you let die after she left. It looks like a stripped bicycle chained to a sidewalk signpost for five seasons, all spokes, rust brown and weaker than wind, filling the corner of the apartment with ruin.
Leave it for the new tenants to find so they can register a complaint with the...
Kevin And Lucy Day!
Today everyone named Kevin was meant to be with someone named Lucy, but the Kevins all chose to marry someone named Sabrina instead, just because the Sabrinas had fun underpants. Everyone named Lucy sometimes think about everyone named Kevin, and they want to kill all the Sabrinas. Everyone named Lucy will take a glance down at their own underpants, and they’ll see it fraying at the...
That Was Your Last Relationship Day!
You’re only 36 but the 14-month romantic relationship you ended yesterday is going to be the last one you’ll ever be party to. While you are feeling optimistic about playing the field and finding “the one,” you shouldn’t. You’ll date many people and you’ll often be the one who decides it’s not right. Either owing to your confidence in yourself or...
Storage Wars Day!
You went on that show Storage Wars and you bid on the stuff in one of the lockers and won. You brought home all the porcelain knick knacks, bed linens, jewelry, and old Life magazines that could fit into an 8X10 foot space. “Which is why I’m going to kill your wife and daughters if I don’t get it back in 6 hours,” the man who was behind on his rent on that storage locker...
Wash Your Slut Body Day!
All that casual sex to make you feel better about yourself starts to leave a residue, so you need to wash your slut body at least once a week. Today’s the day to recline in a hot tub and apply bath lotion to every patch of your skin that’s come in contact with another human being’s mouth, genitals or cash. Girls, make sure to get under the knees and the back of the neck. Boys,...